


It's Not You

by EverythingsAvengers



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anal Fingering, Blow Jobs, Closeted Character, F/M, Gay Sex, Hand Jobs, M/M, Rimming, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-03
Updated: 2015-10-21
Packaged: 2018-04-07 11:53:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 24,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4262343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EverythingsAvengers/pseuds/EverythingsAvengers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas isn't vengeful. He prides himself with having control of his emotions. So when Meg Masters (one of Dean's least favorite people) asks him out with Dean not even five feet away he surprises himself with agreeing to go out with her.<br/>He tells himself after that he actually likes Meg and the reason he said yes had nothing to do with the fact that Dean had (quite literally) walked out of their not-relationship relationship not even 48 hours before.<br/>In retrospect Cas is starting to realize that he just made his life a whole lot more complicated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Oreos and Bees

November

“… and that’s why the supply curve would shift up,” Cas drifted off as he heard what definitely sounded like someone banging on the front door. He looked over at the clock on his computer which clearly said it was 10:48 at night. _Okay,_ he thought, _that’s a little weird._

“Hey Kevin I think I gotta go,” he said walking over to the window. He heard the front door opening just as he looked down to see the impala parked crooked in the driveway. _That’s never really a good sign._

He vaguely heard Kevin still talking, “… even if it’s about school… almost eleven… kill me-”

“Right,” Cas said quickly, “I’ll talk to you later.”

Castiel wasn’t at all surprised to find Dean downstairs rummaging through the cabinets. Cas picked up the flask that was lying on the counter and discovered that it was a very empty flask. _Well_ , Cas thought, _that explains the crooked parking._

Finally Dean groaned, defeated, and turned around. “Dude where does Chuck hide the booze in this place?” Cas just tilted his head a little, “rough night?”

Dean gave him the ‘now-is-not-the-time’ look and Cas took pity. He knew this time of the year was never easy; especially when it came to John this time of year.

“Come on,” Cas tilted his head and started walking away. “He hid it after last time.”

“Why the hell would he do something stupid like that?”

Chuck Shurley isn’t exactly what you would call neat. His room was a mess of books, magazines (many of which he tried really hard to ignore), scattered papers, and of course, alcohol. Chuck didn’t _really_ have a drinking problem in the same way the Cas had convinced himself that Dean didn’t _really_ have a drinking problem either.

But, it was easier not to think about those things when you were slightly tipsy in nothing but your boxers watching old Greatest American Hero reruns. Cas was just drunk enough for Dean to convince him to sing the theme song. (And really when could he every deny Dean)

Very off key and with Dean’s laughter as his only back up he started, “look at what's happened to me-e, I can’t believe it myself,” Then Dean was pulling him up and spinning him around as he continued.

“Suddenly I’m up on top of the world it should have been somebody else.” Cas was laughing now and more than a little dizzy as they fell back onto the bed. It took a second for their laughter to subside as the song faded away. “Believe it or not, it’s just me…”

It was then Castiel realized that he and Dean were just lying there staring at each other. Honestly it was something they did so often he never really thought about it much, but this was different. Cas wasn’t naïve enough to not realize that there was something between to two of them, something that more often than not made others think they were more than just friends.

But that’s all they were, right? Now he wasn’t so sure.

Not with them half naked on his bed. Not with Dean’s arms still wrapped around him. Not with the way that Dean was most definitely looking down past Cas’ eyes to a place that looked a lot like his lips.

Cas felt himself gulp slowly and then lick his suddenly very dry lips. And then Dean was looking up at him again, looking very much like he was just caught with his hand in the cookie jar. A dark pink tinting his cheeks as he stood up; Cas blamed it on the alcohol but he wasn’t really sure about that theory.

“Come on, lets go to sleep.” Dean went to turn the TV off as Cas finally snapped out of it and moved the snacks off the bed. (Including the pack of Oreos which were lodged under his shoulder; how he didn’t notice that he would never be sure.)

Dean was already curled under the covers by the time Cas turned the light off and joined him. It was awkward a first which was annoying. The two of them had probably shared a bed more times than they had slept apart, because honestly they pretty much lived together. Castiel knew that probably wasn’t normal, but it was for them and that was all that mattered.

Cas turned over to find Dean already there, facing him. He could just barely see his silhouette through the moonlight coming in the window.

“Cas?” Dean’s whispered voice seemed impossibly loud, but maybe that had something to do with the fact that he was barely two inches away. Cas could feel the heat from his breath and smell the whiskey on it. He was almost afraid to say anything, afraid to break the moment so he just nodded.

Before he even realized what was happening Dean’s lips were on his. It was a quick kiss, barely more than just a press of the lips before Cas broke away, surprised.

Dean’s green eyes shot open, Cas could just make then out as Dean stuttered, “I-I’m sorry, shit- uh-” Cas could feel himself flushing as he finally spoke, “Why did you…” he trailed off still not quite coming to terms with what just happened.

“I thought- well, I thought you liked me?” He said it like a question. Like there was ever any doubt that Cas wasn’t totally head over heels for him. It made Cas want to kiss him, so that’s what he did.

He leaned in then they were kissing again, like this was just something they did. Somewhere in Castiel’s alcohol muddled mind he could help but think that this should have been something they did. How they had lasted this long without it seemed impossible now.

Dean tasted like Oreos underneath the whiskey (which for some reason brought a smile to his face, even while they kissed). Without realizing it both of his hands had started running through Dean’s hair, pulling him closer until Dean was practically on top of him.

He broke away for a second, both of them breathing heavy and then Dean was kissing him again, but not his mouth. No, now he was kissing down his jaw and then his neck. Cas couldn’t help his little gasps and moans as Dean’s hand slid down and into his boxers. He gripped Cas’ cock hesitantly at first like he’d just realized what he’d done but then Cas pulled him into a kiss and Dean groaned into his mouth as he started to move his hand up and down.

Soon Cas was pulling Dean’s underwear down and then after a slightly awkward shuffle (made slightly funny by their buzz) they were both finally, completely, naked. There was no more laughing as their dicks slowly rubbed against one another. Dean’s hand grasped both of their erections tightly as they both started to thrust into his hand.

Then Dean’s head shot up, “Hey Cas, do you still have that lube?” For a minute he had no idea what Dean was talking about, and then, oh, yeah, Gabriel’s _hilarious_ present; ‘you always seem so tense lil bro, figured you needed to get some,’ were his exact words as he handed him a bag filled with lube and condoms.

Cas snorted at the memory. _Who would have thought it would come in handy._ He was practically tearing through the bottom drawer of his bed side table when finally, “Aha!” He pulled out the small box, still not opened, and watched a Dean quite literally ripped the top off and then threw the box to the side.

He squirted a generous amount onto his hand and then placed it back around their cocks. Cas gasped when his cold hand touched his way to hot dick. “Sorry,” Dean winced, “I forgot it’s so cold.”

“It’s okay,” Cas said softly as has started thrusting up into Dean’s hand. He wished he could see what they looked like thrusting into one another; into Deans lube slicked hand. Castiels hand joined Deans not long after and then they were kissing again. Their mouths and hands joined together in a way that Cas couldn’t help but think felt, well, in a way that felt right.

It was going to be over soon though and Cas knew it. They were both too wound up, Cas’ hand a vice grip on Dean hair pulling him down in a kiss that was just this side of painful; and then there was Dean.

Dean who was starting to lose his rhythm, gripping onto Cas’ hip hard enough to leave bruises and then finally biting onto Cas’ neck, right above his collarbone when he came. It was then that Cas finally came too; over their joined hands with Deans come coating his chest.

They just laid there for a minute catching their breath before Dean finally sat up. He was reaching around, what seem to Cas to be pretty blindly, to the bottom of the bed. Finally he pulled up one of their pairs of boxers to do a somewhat effective clean up before he passed out on Cas’ chest.

Cas tried to stay up, really he did, because he needed to think about this. It seemed pretty important that his and Dean had just- well not had sex exactly, but still. That was definitely not something friends should be doing. Try as he might he was beyond exhausted and he fell asleep almost instantly.

When he woke up the next morning Dean, and all of his things, were long gone.

 

***

 

February 2nd

Cas really hated Mondays. And mornings. But this Monday morning especially. He had to drag himself out of bed and into the shower. Trying very hard to ignore the fact that this was the same shower Dean and he shared not even 48 hours ago, until Dean dumped him. Except for the fact that he didn’t actually dump him because they weren’t _actually_ in a relationship.

What was so bad about all of this was that Cas was never a very emotional person and now he couldn’t even sort through what he was feeling. Sadness? Grief, for losing the best friend he ever had? At the forefront though was anger. It was swimming just under the surface.

He wanted to be mad at Dean or John or even Lisa, but mostly he is just mad at himself which was even more infuriating.

He dressed quickly throwing on his most comfortable clothes, his favorite pair of black jeans, a big light blue sweater, and his beanie.

The beanie was extremely old and was now a faded grey color; Dean always said it made him look like a hipster especially with his hair but Cas didn’t care. (Especially not now) so he threw it on and hurried past Gabe who threw a poptart at him stating ‘breakfast is the most important meal of the day, Cassie!’ before he ran out the door.

Anna met him by his locker and greeted him with, “Hey do you know where Dean is?” Cas pulled one headphone out of his ear, “What? No, why?”

 She gave him a weird look that he ignored by turning to grab some books out of his locker.

“You know maybe because you two are friends,” Anna paused for a second and then, “You’re acting really weird. Are you okay?” Cas took a deep breath before shutting his locker. He turned to her with what he hoped was a convincing smile. “I’m fine Anna, sorry, just tired.”

Her hand landed on his shoulder and he almost felt bad for lying to her when she started going on about how he needs to take care of himself and that she just cares about him, but then suddenly her face dropped and then lit up again. “Hey there he is!” She said pulling Cas along with her.

At first it was just a flurry of red (Anna’s hair flying into his face) and then there he was. His dirty blonde hair slightly rumpled like he slept late; which would explain why he was wearing the tan- slightly red colored leather jacket that Cas bought him for his birthday last year.

 _There’s no way he intentionally put that on,_ Cas thought. He was so focused on the coat that he barely even noticed Lisa standing there smiling and talking to Anna like they were best friends. Finally Anna asked Dean for notes she missed last week, which Cas assumed was the whole reason they were standing there in the first place.

Castiel leaned again the wall a little ways away pointedly ignoring the fact that he could feel Dean’s eyes on him. _It’s all in your head,_ Cas thought, _he’s not staring at you._

“Hey Clarence,” Meg’s voice broke him out of his haze.

His eyes subconsciously moved over to Dean as she walked up and he wasn’t surprised to see Dean’s eyes now on Meg. He was never a big fan or her.

“Hi Meg,” he said leaning up from the wall.

Meg smirked at him, “So I was just wondering if you were busy Friday and if not, you know, maybe we could go somewhere or,” she moved in a little closer, “we could just stay in. Move around a little furniture if you know what I mean.”

His cheeks flushed and he kept glancing between Dean and Meg like he expected Dean to do something. Maybe jump in and say, ‘no bitch he’s taken’ and then kiss him. Cas almost laughed at the thought as Dean pulled Lisa in closer. His jaw was clenched and his cheeks were tinged pink and Cas knew he was mad.

But Dean was looking at him, looking at him like Cas was the one who was hurting him. Like he was the one who walked out the door and not Dean. And it hurt. He hated seeing Dean like that and for a fleeting second he wondered what would happen if he said no to Meg and just walked over and kissed Dean. Right there in front of everyone.

Castiel has thought about it before. Daydreamed about it in class and at the lunch table when he was so close he could touch and every time he didn’t, every time he couldn’t reach over and hold his hand or pull him in for a kiss it felt like a stab in the heart.

And that anger that was just inder the surface was bubbling up again. This time it was anger at Dean. Anger for Dean keeping him a secret. Anger for Dean acting like Cas was the one who hurt him and not the other way around.

That’s why when he finally turned to Meg he smiled, “No. I don’t have any plans for Friday.”

“Good,” she grabbed him phone and started tapping away. Cas spared a glance at Dean who was very much _not_ looking at him anymore.

Meg handed him the phone back. “Here,” she said. “Now you have my number, text me a time and I’ll come get you.” She turned to walk away and then paused and turned back around.

“Oh, and Clarence?”

He tilted his head slightly, “Yeah?”

“The bees are cute.”

Cas blushed down at his phone case not even noticing when Dean stormed away with Lisa.

                                                                                           


	2. Rock Stars and Mario Kart

February 2nd

Cas spent most of Monday night staring Meg’s number in his phone and trying not to think about how Dean wasn’t sitting up front by Cas in the Calculus class they took together. He was sitting in the back with Garth now.

It’s not like Castiel had any problem with Garth; it was just the fact that Dean spent more time making fun of the kid than actually talking to him and now they were sitting by each other acting like they were the best of friends.

He thought about that until Gabriel called him down for dinner and then he spent another hour freaking out because, well, he was actually going to go on a date. _What do people even do on dates?_ It’s not like he knew. He’d never been on one.

And then there was the fact that he was going on a date with Meg.

Meg who was very much a girl. Cas wasn’t even sure he liked girls. Apart from what he and Dean had Cas wasn’t a very sexual person. He didn’t even watch porn. (Okay, so maybe he didn’t watch porn because he came across a video with his brother wearing a fake mustache and was pretty much scarred for life, but still.)

Either way, he was thoroughly freaking out and having a minor identity crisis.

He almost called Dean to ask him about it because that’s what he normally does in these situations. Cas was actually dialing the number before he realized that he couldn’t do that.

Cas flopped back onto the bed and threw a pillow on top of his head, very much hating today.

Then his phone started ringing and he shot up hoping for a second that maybe- but no it was the wrong Winchester. “Hey Sam,” he answered before lying back again (on top of the pillow this time).

“Hey Cas do you know what’s wrong with Dean? He’s been acting super weird the last couple days and he came home today in the worst mood. He even started it up with dad.”

He knew it was bad if Dean was trying to pick a fight. Cas had nursed enough cuts and plenty of bruises to know it never went very well on Deans end.

“I’m not sure we haven’t really been talking,” Cas admitted.

“Why? I mean I know you two fight but- wait is this about your date?”

Cas couldn’t hide his surprise, “How do you know about Meg?”

“Well I don’t really,” Sam paused, “It’s just, I asked Dean about Balthazar’s party Friday, I was trying to see if we were going because you guys are friends and he like freaked out and said you had a date.”

Cas nodded even though Sam couldn’t see him. “Yes,” he said slowly, “I guess he’s upset about that.”

He didn’t want to say too much, but this was Sam, he was kind of hard to lie to.

“And, uh, you wouldn’t know why he would be mad about that would you?” Sam questioned.

“No?” Cas made a face and shook his head. _Great job. Real convincing._ He thought bitterly.

Sam laughed, “Dude I knew there was something going on with you two!” He seemed to realize he was shouting and lowered his voice before continuing. “I mean there is right?” He whispered. “I thought there was before, but I told myself I was just being crazy.”

Cas took a deep breath. “You’re not being crazy,” he said softly.

There was some very hushed celebrating on Sam’s end before Cas had to calm him down and tell him that Dean couldn’t know that Cas told him. Finally they got off the phone after Sam told him he ‘didn’t give a shit’ if him and Dean were fighting him and Cas were friends too and ‘you can come over whenever the hell you want to’.

“And if he has a problem with it then I guess you’re going to have to teach me how to kick his ass.” Sam declared.  

Cas finally texted Meg after Sam said he had homework to do. He spent thirty minutes staring at the message before erasing the smiley face and hitting send.

_C: Hey I was just wondering about friday… when would be a good time for you?_

It was a couple minutes before his phone buzzed.

_M: depends  do u have a curfew_

Cas thought about that for a second; as long as Gabriel knew where he was and that checked in so he knew he was alive he didn’t really care. He told her no.

_M: awesome  ill pick you up around 8  just make sure you dress less hipster more rockstar okay_

Cas wasn’t really sure what she meant, but agreed anyway and the texted her his address.

_Well,_ he thought, _no going back now._

 

 

***

 

December

 

“Dean I’m busy.”

“No you’re not, you just don’t wanna come over and get your ass kicked.”

“I’m fairly certain Sam has won every game you two have played so far.”

“I totally have,” Sam screamed from the other end. Cas heard a scuffle as he opened up another tootsie roll. “No he hasn’t,” Dean came back on the line sounding winded.

Cas just laughed as Dean continued, “Come on Christmas break just started. I know you don’t have anything to do. You’re probably sitting in your room eating candy you stole from Gabe.”

Castiel frowned down at the candy wrappers surrounding him. Dean was right of course, but he refused to let him know that. “You know,” he said, trying to talk around that chocolate in his mouth, “its called winter break. Not everyone celebrates Christmas. There are many religions that-”

Dean cut off Cas’ talking and Sam’s laughter with a, “Shut the hell up,” and then a, “Just get over here.” Dean hung up before he could respond.

Cas rolled his eyes before he finally turned the TV off and threw on some clothes. He decided the leave the mess of candy on his bed for later as he pulled a hoodie over his head and started the short trek to the Winchester household.

The chill broke through his jacket and sweater as Castiel curled his arms around himself. The cold helped him think. To think about whatever it was that him and Dean had now.

In a lot of ways nothing changed. They still hung out all the time and sat at lunch together and studied together (when Cas could get Dean to study) and did everything else together. Like they always did. The only difference now was that occasionally they did these things in various stages of undress.

They didn’t talk about it much other than the occasional post-orgasm ‘damn that was great’ and ‘yes, I enjoyed that’. They definitely didn’t talk about it outside the two of them.

But Cas was happy and Dean was happier than Cas could ever remember seeing him so he didn’t want to ruin it by trying to talk to him about it. Cas knew how Dean was with talking through things. (Charlie once said it was like pulling teeth, but worse.)

And now they didn’t have to drink for Dean to kiss him and with the exception of the first few times Cas never woke up alone when he didn’t fall asleep like that. (Both things he counted as a win.)

So Cas just let himself float in this happy little cloud for a while ignoring the big foot looming overhead ready to drop.

By the time he got there Cas was red nosed and pink cheeked and regretted having to pull his hands out of his pockets to grab the key from under the little clay Stanford tree Sam made last year for a college project. It was Dean’s idea to set it outside, replacing the creepy lawn gnome that used to be there.

As soon as he walked inside Cas could hear the brothers from all the way down the hall in their shared room.

They ended up crowded around the TV on the floor in front of Dean’s mattress playing Mario Kart. After Dean throws together some dinner and Sam tries to give Cas some pointers on how to win the game Sam heads off the Kevin’s house.

It’s a couple hours after that when Cas finally wins a game.

“I feel like you let me win,” Cas objected.

“Why the hell would I do that,” Dean smirked. “I mean other than the fact that now I get to give you your prize.”

“Right,” Cas said monotone. “And what is that?” He got his answer when Dean pulled him into his lap.

“Me, of course.”

When Dean pulled him into a kiss Cas couldn’t help but pull him closer, until they were flush against each other. It was all tongue and teeth and they were both breathing heavy, rutting against one another. He was glad when Dean started pulling his long sleeve t-shirt up; it was suddenly way too hot in the room.   

Dean was met with resistance though when Cas started to undo Dean’s jeans so his shirt ended up scrunched up awkwardly underneath Cas’ armpits.

That was about the time the door slammed open.

Now Cas wasn’t under the impression that no one would find out about them, but he just assumed that it would be Gabriel or maybe Sam. Not John Winchester.

Definitely not John Winchester who was currently standing in the doorway staring at an almost half naked Cas straddling Dean. Not to mention the fact that Cas just had a hand down his pants not even a minute before.

_Okay,_ Cas thought, _that’s a hell of a shoe to drop._

Castiel pulled his shirt down and looked over at Dean, who was staring down at his father’s shoes. His short brown hair was a mess, sticking up in all directions. His lips red and slightly puffy from all the kissing. Looking at Dean he wasn’t sure he wanted to see how he looked; hair and clothing disheveled. They must be a site.

“I think you should leave.” John’s words were short and direct, not leaving any room for argument. The sad thing was that Cas knew John was sober and this was still going to end in a fight.

He almost wanted to argue, to fight, to say something, but it wasn’t his place it was Dean’s. But the person in question was staring down at his hands in his lap seemingly oblivious to everything going on around him.

Cas wanted to smack him, shake him, tell him to say something. To stop letting his dad control his life and stand up for his best friend who was currently getting kicked out of his house and in turn probably his life; and if nothing else just to stand up for himself.

But Cas did none of those things.

And Dean didn’t move an inch.

So, Cas stood without a word and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is a little shorter... sorry. :/ I wanted to update soon to make sure I got it in because I'm not sure how this weeks going to go, but the next chapter should be up on Saturday?  
> Anyway... Hope you guys like it!   
> And Comments and Kudos make my day!


	3. Zeppelin and Unicorns

February 6th

For the most part the week flies by. Dean and Cas ignore each other in Calculus; Cas finds any and every reason on the world to sit somewhere else at lunch. (That one was a little more difficult.) He studied with Kevin a couple days in the library and every other day he convinced Charlie to sit in the commons area and eat with him.

It was actually kind of nice sitting on the steps eating while Charlie and Gilda mostly talked amongst themselves.

But he knew Charlie knew something was wrong so on Friday he sat with Balthazar who did nothing but talk about his party that night and how amazing it was going to be (all of which Cas ignored). He’d been to enough of his parties to know it never ended well.

The last time he went he got way too drunk and wound up tied to a chair by April Kelly the (seemingly) nice girl who had a thing for him all year. Dean thankfully saved him from that nightmare.

Castiel was almost glad he had an excuse to not go.

It didn’t make up for the fact that he was thoroughly freaking out and had no idea how to handle it. He called Gabriel on the way home to let him know where he was going to be and that he would probably be home late.

His brother sounded relieved, “Okay, cool, I’m going to be home late anyway. I was about to call and tell you to take some money out of the angel and get some take out.”

He was referring to a ceramic angel Chuck kept that their mom had apparently made before either of them were born. Its hollow and the bottom comes off so they keep money in it for emergencies.

“It’s fine we’ll probably get food,” Cas said even though he had no idea at all what they would be doing.

Right before they got off the phone Gabriel made sure to ask if Cas still had those condoms and if not there were some in his room. Gabriel was in the middle of telling him where when Cas broke in, “Gabriel stop talking. Please. I got it okay. I just pulled up I’ll talk to you later.”

Gabriel was still trying to talk but Cas just hangs up.

At six o’clock Cas is showered, wearing only a towel, and staring into his closet when he starts to freak out. Because what the hell is he going to wear? He wanted to call Meg just to clarify what she meant by dress more rock star, but he figured that would be inappropriate.

He stared dialing Anna’s number before realizing she is also a very good friend of Deans (more than friends at one point) and he doesn’t feel comfortable spilling his guts to someone who used to date the person in question.

He mentally crosses Charlie, Joe, Kevin, and Sam off of the list for very similar reasons. He finally crosses Balthazar off too because he’s probably busy getting ready for the party and either way Bal’s answer to everything is just to get drunk and that’s what started this whole mess.

Cas stares at his contact list for a while before finally hitting the call button.

It feels like forever before a small voice says, “Hello?”

Castiel relaxes immediately. “Hey Hannah,” he stops for a second, unsure what to say. “I um-”

Hannah cuts him off, “Castiel are you okay?”

“Yes,” he lies. “Can you just come over please?” There’s a quick ‘of course’ and then she’s gone. Cas throws on some clothes before taking a seat by the window with nothing to do but wait.

 

***

 

January

Castiel spends most of Christmas and New Year’s worried about Dean. Sam told him that John took his phone away after they got into a fight. Other than the fact that they fought Sam doesn’t know what happened and Cas doesn’t offer up any information.

It’s nerve wracking not knowing if he’s okay and Cas can’t help being upset that the present that he’s been saving up for since he spend most of his money on the leather jacket he got Dean for his birthday is just sitting on his desk and not with Dean where it should be.

He finally falls asleep staring at mistletoe on crooked wrapping paper. He awakes to his door opening and blinks the sleep out of his eyes when, “Hey Cas.”

“Dean? What the hell are you doing here?” Castiel sits up just enough to look at his alarm clock. “It’s 2:24 in the morning,” Cas groans before running a hand through his hair.

“Yeah, Gabe let me in.” Dean’s boots are already lying haphazardly near the dresser and his coat thrown onto the desk chair. Cas just stares at him until he finally admits, “Okay, so maybe I broke in, but I don’t have a spare key so it’s not my fault.”

“But what are you doing here? Your dad-”

Dean cuts him as he pulls his shirt over his head. “I don’t care about him, okay, I needed to see you.” He crawls into bed next to Cas and when he leans down kiss him Cas sees a yellowing bruise across Deans jaw and there’s a cut above his eyebrow, but Cas doesn’t comment on it.

When Cas tries to pull away to talk, because what happened was kind of serious and even though the initial anger from that day has faded Cas still doesn’t feel okay about everything, Dean just shakes his head.

“Don’t, okay, please. I just- I need you Cas.”

There’s a moment where they just look at each other in the scarce light from the window before Cas pulls Dean down into another kiss. It’s not long before they’re tangled in the sheets and each other. Unsure where one begins and the other ends.

They’re both breathing heavy as Dean shakily pulls Cas’ shirt over his head. Everything feels different now. In the moonlight much like their first time this feels like another first for them.

Castiel rolls Dean onto his back and proceeds to kiss down his neck and then onto his chest. Pulling one nipple into his mouth and then the other as Dean lets out little moans below him. Cas follows his path down as Dean grips onto his hair, “Fuck Cas,” his breath is low and labored; his hands shaking slightly as they slide down his neck.

Dean’s shaky hands make him feel slightly better about his own as he pulls the last of Dean’s clothes off. Cas kisses back up his thigh and then licks a little at the underside of his balls. Dean jumps slightly as Cas pulls one into his mouth and then the other before licking and kissing up his length.

He finally takes Dean into his mouth as he’s being handed the bottle of lube. It’s almost empty now. As Cas pours some onto his fingers he makes a mental note to go buy some more.

Sliding one finger around Dean’s hole Cas starts to tease him. It’s not long before Dean is trying in vain to push himself down onto the finger whimpering, “Cas, please.”

A part of him wanted to keep teasing, to keep this going until Dean was really begging. To wait until Dean couldn’t take it anymore and the hand in his hair wasn’t just gripping but actually pulling his hair out. But Cas did none of these things.

Instead he had mercy and slid one finger in slowly. Just to the first knuckle before pulling it out all the way and then pushing it in to his second knuckle and then pulling all the way out again. The whole time he did this his head was also bobbing up and down on Dean’s cock while Dean moaned and cursed at Cas to hurry up already.

He slid two fingers in without every putting the first in all the way. “Fuck yes,” Dean groaned as Cas slid his fingers in and out. By the time he had three fingers in Dean was thrusting back onto Cas’ fingers, fucking himself.

When Dean’s thighs started to shake Cas pulled off of his dick leaning up to steal a kiss instead. He pulled his fingers out when Dean started pulling Castiel’s boxers down. He sat up to pull them completely off and when he turned back Dean had a condom in his hand.

He didn’t say anything as Dean pulled him in for another kiss, this one much slower than the first, and then he felt Dean sliding on the condom. That’s when Cas broke away, “Dean are you sure?”

“Yes. God yes. I’m positive okay?”

Cas nodded as he squirted some more lube onto his hand, stroking himself to coat the condom. He’d never done this before but he was pretty sure that made things less painful so he just went with it.

He moved in between Dean’s legs as he gripped onto Cas’ arms. He slid in slowly, surprised by how much resistance he was being met with.

Just as he push the head in Dean gasped and dug his blunt nails into Cas’ bicep. “Are you okay?” Cas asked, “Did I hurt you?”

Dean shook his head, “No sorry. It was just surprising, and a little weird.”

“But not bad,” Dean added quickly, “Sorry I’m just freaking out a little. I’m not used to being the inexperienced one.”

“You act like I’ve done this before,” Cas deadpanned.

“Right, sorry,” Dean apologized again. “It doesn’t hurt okay. Just keep going.”

Cas bit back a moan as he finally bottomed out; surprised by the heat enveloping him. _And_ Cas thought _that’s a lot tighter than I expected._

Dean squirmed underneath him, “Come on, dude, move.”

“Alright bossy,” Cas groaned as he started to find a rhythm. Just like with every other thing they did together it wasn’t long before they were moving in sync. Dean moving up to meet his every thrust. It’s perfect, like they’ve done this a thousand times before.

Dean comes first. His green eyes latching onto Cas’ blue ones before he spills his load in between them. Cas is right after. Coming with Dean’s name on his lips before collapsing on top of him.

They fall asleep curled together and they wake up just the same.

 

***

 

February 6th

As soon as they walk up to the safety of his room Cas tells her everything. Once he starts talking he just can’t stop and Hannah just sits with him and listens.

She waits until he’s done talking and then tells him everything he should want to hear; that he deserves better and that Dean is an idiot. Cas pretends that it helps, but it might just be the fact that Hannah’s here with here that calms his nerves.

“And now I’m going on a date with Meg to make Dean jealous and all I have accomplished is making my life harder.”

“It doesn’t have to be,” Hannah puts on arm over his shoulder. “You deserve to have fun and maybe you’ll even like her and enjoy… um, what are you doing?”

Cas laughed, “I’m not sure. She texted me that she would be here at 8 and that I should dress like a rock star.”

Hannah laughed back at him, “Alright let’s see what you have.” She moved to his closet and started picking through clothes. “Okay, definitely these,” she threw him a pair of black jeans that he was almost positive he’s never worn.

Cas took the shorts he’d thrown on and put on the jeans as Hannah continued looking for a shirt. The jeans were ripped and almost too tight and they were absolutely perfect.

Hannah turned to him with a smile, “You look great, here,” she threw him a pair of beat up old converse and went back to searching for a shirt as he pulled them on.

“Oh! This is perfect!” Hannah turned around with a big smile, but as soon as he saw the shirt she was holding out to him his stomach dropped. It was the baseball style Led Zeppelin t-shirt. It was slightly too big on him and the words were worn from use. It was perfect.

“It’s Deans,” he said softly.

Hannah’s face dropped, “Oh, okay, I’ll find someone else.” Cas shook his head and grabbed the shirt. He ran his hand over the soft cotton with a smile. It was Dean’s favorite shirt; he’d given it to Castiel the morning after they had sex for the first time.

“I’ll wear it. Thank you Hannah. For everything.”

She smiled at him, “It’s no problem, now come on, she’s going to be here soon.”

 

They stop for pizza before she drives them to what he realizes is a rave. Meg gets her ‘friend’, whos name is apparently Azazel, to get them alcohol. Cas is pretty sure they end up with more beer on them than they actually consume and the music is way too loud, but it was great.

Cas has more fun than he’s had in a long time and even though his ears are ringing as they pull up to his house he decides that, yes, he definitely likes Meg. She breaks him out of his comfort zone and he’s on a nice adrenalin high as Meg walks over to open his door.

He doesn’t even realize that he hasn’t thought about Dean all night until he spots the Impala sitting in the driveway. Meg is talking, but it’s quite literally going in one ear and out the other as he stares as the sleek black lines of Dean’s car.

When they make it up to the porch Cas is practically fuming. He’s not exactly sure why he’s mad; maybe it’s because Dean’s here crashing down on his whole night. Maybe it’s because for a little while at least he thought he could actually like Meg, but just seeing the car sitting in his driveway brings back everything he’s been trying to bury. Brings back the fact that he is very much not over Dean and maybe never will be.

Before he even realizes what he’s doing Meg lips are crashing into his and he’s pushing her against the porch rail. Because Hannah’s right he deserves this and Dean’s the one who left him, he’s allowed to move on. He’s allowed to kiss Meg after they have an amazing date.

He breaks away when he realizes that, _oh shit,_ Meg doesn’t deserve this. She doesn’t deserve being his rebound when his emotions are still so messed up with Dean.

As he pulls away she slowly slides down; he hadn’t realized he picked her up. “Sorry I-” he could feel his cheeks flaring up as she broke in.

“Oh no don’t apologize for that,” she smirked and then leaned over to peck him on the lips before walking away. “Call me sometime, Clarence.”

He waits until Meg’s car pulls away before walking inside. Gabriel is waiting on the couch watching TV even though it’s got to be past one in the morning by now.

“Hey I let Dean go up to your room. He’s been waiting a while.” He says all of this in between gummy bears.

Cas barely even acknowledges him as he walks to the stairs, but Gabriel continues talking. “Isn’t Dean going to be mad you’re cheating on him with that chick?”

Half way up the stairs Castiel turns around to glare at him. Gabriel holds his hands up in surrender, “Okay, sorry touchy.”

He just rolls his eyes before taking the short walk to his room.

“I didn’t break in this time,” Dean says when Cas finally walks in. “Gabriel let me in.” He’s sitting at the window seat staring out onto the- _oh shit._ Staring out onto the front yard with a perfect view of the porch.

Cas has to take a second and backtrack over what Dean just said and when he does his mind goes right to the last time Dean did break in. _That had to be what Dean was thinking about too right?_

When Cas doesn’t respond Dean continues, “So how was your date?”

“Fine.”

“That was one hell of a kiss.”

Cas can’t really say anything to that because well it _was_ a hell of a kiss. His lips were still tingling from it. He wanted to say something, anything really, why are you here? For starters. Or maybe why do you even care? But all of that died on his lips as Dean finally looked up at him.

His eyes were red-rimmed making them impossibly green and Cas knew at some point recently he had to have been crying. All at once Cas started to feel bad.

He felt bad for the date and for the kiss and more importantly for enjoying the kiss. Everything he might have said died in his throat as Dean stood up; still not breaking eye contact, “Cas?”

“Yeah,” he breathes out, his voice shaky.

“Do you like her?”

Castiel really wishes he could lie and say he did. And if someone would have asked his ten minutes ago he would have been able to honestly say he did. She was wild and a little crazy and he had a great time, but with Dean right there in front of him it becomes nearly impossible to remember what that kiss felt like or when a very drunk girl tried to stick her red cup onto his forehead and Meg joked that Cas was ‘her little unicorn.’

All of this is stuck in the back of his mind as he stuttered out, “She’s- uh, she’s nice.” It sounds pathetic even to him, but he doesn’t know what else so say. Dean is nodding slowly and then he pauses before looking Cas up and down. His green eyes zero in on the shirt he’s wearing and suddenly Cas feels very self-conscious.

Cas pulls on the shirt before crossing his arms over himself. His mind drifts to Meg pulled up and whistled at him, “You look nice.” It takes him a moment to realize that the words weren’t just in his head.

In fact that voice sounded a lot like Dean’s. “What did you just say?”

Dean’s face is almost impossibly red; his freckles standing out in a way that Cas once would have said was cute. Dean was looking everywhere but at him and Cas knew he could just reach over and grab one of the hands that Dean was currently wringing.

It would be so easy to just reach out and pull him into a kiss or just tell him not to leave. He knew that Dean would stay; he knew it just like he knew his own name. All he had to do was just reach out and-

“I’m sorry I bothered you.” Dean rushed right by his outstretched hand and out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This turned out to be longer than I expected (sorry). But I at least got it done by today which I almost didn't expect to. (my boyfriend left my laptop at his work for two days.) But here it is I hope y'all like it!  
> (and comments and kudos keep me going!)


	4. Pizza and Lisa

February 7th

After Gabriel drags Cas down for breakfast he spends the better part of his Saturday eating what’s left in his stolen candy stash and listening to music. For some reason Mr. Brightside by The Killers seemed to be a favorite of his today.

But Lovesick Fool was playing when his phone started ringing. He’s more than a little surprised to see Meg’s name lighting up the screen. He almost doesn’t answer it, because he’s still all mixed up about last night and he feels like he was leading Meg on by going out with her under false pretenses.

Not to mention the fact that he couldn’t sleep last night because all he could think about was why in the world Dean was at his house and why he cared that Cas went on a date in the first place. Dean had a girlfriend it shouldn’t matter if Castiel had one too. Especially if the two hadn’t even been on speaking terms for about a week. None of these thoughts, Cas realized sadly, centered around Meg.

He answers anyway.

“Hey Clarence,” Meg starts before he can get a word in, “I know I’m calling the night after our date which is kind of pathetic.”

(Cas didn’t think so, but before he could say that she continued.) “But I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out, so, are you doing anything tonight?”

He knows that he could say that he had plans and she would probably believe him and not press the matter like Dean always did. Then he realized that he was comparing Meg to Dean again, which was a bad habit that he really needed to stop. Honestly just thinking about Dean was probably a bad habit that he should stop and the only person that had been able to make him accomplish that was Meg so he said, “No I’m not doing anything.”

“Cool, you hungry?”

There were candy wrappers spilling out of the trashcan on the floor next to him and the bag of chips he found in his book bag after he declined Gabriel’s offer to come down for dinner were now half eaten on his bedside table. His stomach turned just looking at it.

He was in need of some actual food so he nodded even though she couldn’t see it, “I could eat.”

“Awesome,” she exclaimed, “Meet me at Vinny’s. Down by the school; you know where right?”

“Yeah.” Of course Cas knew the place. It was maybe a five minute walk down the street from the high school. A lot of people skip during lunch to eat there.

“Cool be there at seven,” she demands before hanging up.

He look at the clock on his phone unsure when it became six at night. He felt even worse when he realized that he was just lying in bed in boxers and a t-shirt at six at night on a Saturday. He quickly jumped in the shower hoping he wouldn’t have a repeat of last night.

Honestly it was almost worse because while he was in the shower he decided he was going to (what, break up with her?) at least come clean about the date.

He almost doesn’t show up at all, because he’s rehearsed what he’s going to say what seems like a thousand times and he’s still not sure he got it right. But Cas still throws on some jeans and a plain white long sleeve shirt and finally makes himself put on some shoes and the leather coat he wore to the rave last night so that he can finally leave.

Gabriel’s nowhere in sight which is nice because Cas is still going over his speech in his head and he doesn’t need his brother to mess it up.

Castiel finally pulls up at 7:03 and runs inside. He catches her eye from one of the booth in the back and he’s not sure exactly what he’s feeling when Meg greets him with a big smile and a, “Well, hello, Clarence.”

But he smiles back and feels slightly better when their pizza arrives. “I got what you ordered last night,” Meg explains, “I hope that’s cool.”

He nods, “Yes, thank you.”

They fall into pleasant conversation as they eat. The pizza is amazing and Meg keep’s the conversation going even when Cas isn’t talking much, it’s nice. Comfortable.

So (naturally) he has to ruin it. There’s a lull in conversation as Meg grabs another slice of pizza and Castiel takes the opportunity.

“I like guys.”

He flinches as soon as he says it. _That’s not at all what I wanted to say._ There’s a moment where they just look at each other. Cas’ mouth hanging open like he wants to say something, but no words come out.

Then Meg smirks at him looking very amused.

“Okay,” Meg stuffed another bite of pizza in her mouth, “Is that it?”

Cas spent an hour worrying about that he was going to say to her. Worrying about how to explain everything and she’s still eating pizza nonchalantly like he didn’t just tell her something he’s never told anyone else before.

“Yes?” Cas affirmed and then backtracked, “Well, no, I mean I like you too. I just can’t- I mean I don’t want to lead you on.”

“Because you’re hung up on some guy,” Meg finishes for him.

Castiel laughs, but it sounds sad even to him, “Yes. I suppose so.”

“Why do we always fall for the straight ones?” Meg asks.

“Ri- wait, what? We?”

Meg laughs, “I mean I’m bi so I guess falling for the straight ones could work too,” She paused for a second before continuing, “But I meant I know how it is. My first love was my very straight, very much a girl, best friend.”

Cas nods without really realizing he did it. He’s too busy focusing on pulling his napkin to shreds. A big part of him wants to stop this conversation before it even starts, but a bigger part wants to talk to Meg about it. To talk to someone who understands, at least a little. He’s pretty sure Dean would be more than a little upset if Cas told Meg about their (relationship?) whatever they had, but he can’t find it in himself to care. And for some reason he knows that Meg won’t tell.

“He wasn’t.” Cas says, but he doesn’t know where to go from there so he brushes the napkin shreds away and starts twirling the ice around his cup with his straw.

“You’re going to have to elaborate.” When Cas looks up Meg is looking at him expectantly; one eyebrow raised.

“Straight,” Castiel elaborates. “Not really, anyway, we actually had a thing, but he…” Cas trails off. Meg just nods before making and ah sound, “The closet cases are always fun.”

Cas doesn’t say anything for a while just sits there in comfortable silence before grabbing another slice of pizza. Finally Meg continues, “Let me guess, you and Dean-O had a thing, but now you don’t because of that new brunette chick.”

He almost says that Lisa is actually an old chick; one of Dean’s first girlfriends actually, and that it wasn’t really her fault that all of this happened. In fact Lisa is a victim too, but Cas doesn’t say any of this instead he says, “That is a fairly accurate description, yes.”

Meg nods, “Aint that a bitch.” Then almost as an afterthought, “I bet he topped.”

Cas snorts at the question and can’t do much more than shake his head.

“Damn.”

“Yep.”

 

***

 

January

The next morning after they shower Cas gives Dean his Christmas present. It’s a bracelet with hematite and cats eye beads, “For protection,” Cas said running a hand over Dean’s bruised jaw.

“I love it,” he said pulling him in for a kiss. It was soft, gently, sweet, and absolutely perfect. Then Dean jumped up and grabbed his shirt off the floor, “Merry Christmas!” He exclaimed.

Cas laughed, “Dean I can’t take your Led Zeppelin shirt, it’s your favorite. And what are you going to wear?”

Dean shrugged before handing Cas the shirt and then moving to the closet, “I’m sure I’ve left something here at some point. Or I could just wear one of your shirts,” Dean turned around with one of Cas’ oversized sweaters in his hand. “How about this one?”

“It suites you.” Cas said sounding very serious as he stifled his laugh. Dean looked ridiculous standing there in nothing but his boxers and holding the sweater that Gabriel had bought him for a joke last year. It was an awful Pepto-Bismol pink with a furry cat stitched onto the front.

 Dean struck a pose and Cas couldn’t help the laugh that escaped. He really did look ridiculous.

That was when it hit him just how he felt about Dean. He felt a warmth in his chest that spread all the way down to his toes and then without a doubt Cas knew he loved Dean. Really, truly, loved him. In a way the scared him just as much as it excited him.

Because he wanted this. He wanted it every day. He wanted to wake up with Dean in his arms and know that he wasn’t going anywhere. Cas wanted it so much it hurt. It was a tangible ache in his chest as Dean finally pulled on a Superman t-shirt that said in bold letters COME AT ME BRO.

Cas was on a pleasant high all during school, the feeling never quite went away.

Not until he was walking to his car and saw Dean in a lip lock with someone who looked suspiciously like Lisa Braeden. It had been so long since Cas had last seen her he couldn’t be sure, but it didn’t really matter because his world was slowly crumbling around him.

The whole way home Cas tried to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach, but it just wouldn’t go away.

Not long after Cas walked inside he saw Dean getting out of what he assumed was Lisa’s car. Dean let himself in.

“What happened man? I thought we were going to hang out, but your car was gone?”

Cas took a deep breath, “Oh, you mean after you finished kissing Lisa?” Dean looks up at him from behind the refrigerator door and opens his mouth to say something before deciding against it.

“Why…” Cas trails off unsure what to say exactly. _Why were you kissing Lisa? Why do you not care about me? Why are you doing this?_

Dean closes the door with a sigh, “Look, my dad-”

Cas snorted, cutting Dean off, “What, your dad made you make out with Lisa?”

“I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Well I do!” Cas takes a deep breath when he realizes that he’s screaming. “I’m sorry,” Cas whispers running a hand down his face.

Dean walks up to him, crowding him against the island counter. “No,” he says slowly, “I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad at me.”

Cas _really_ wishes that he could be mad. Wishes that he were angry with Dean, but he’s not. He can’t be when Dean’s peppering his face and neck with little kisses and whispering ‘I’m sorry’ over and over again.

No, Cas isn’t mad, but he would rather feel mad than this aching sadness.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is a little shorter, but I got it up fairly quick. I decided to end this chapter a little sooner than i originally anticipated, but the next chapter is going to be a lot longer and.... We get some Charlie/Cas interaction! So yeah haha we'll see when I can get that up. Hope you like this chapter guys!


	5. Constellations

February 13th

After his and Meg ‘date’ on Saturday Cas actually feels substantially better. It definitely helps that the next couple days go by without a hitch.

On Sunday Charlie invites him over to watch the Harry Potter marathon. (Cas is pretty sure this happens like every week and isn’t sure why it’s a big deal but he goes anyway.)

He eats lunch with Meg every day and Tuesday night she even comes over for dinner. She and Gabriel are definitely an interesting pair and after she leaves Gabriel tries to ask him why Dean isn’t the one coming over anymore.

Castiel avoids that conversation in any and every way possible.

And then on Wednesday he goes over to the Winchester household to hang out with Sam for a while. They both know that he’s only over there because it’s a Wednesday and Dean has baseball practice after school, but neither he nor Sam mention it.

Thursday night consists of Meg, a carton of ice cream, and stupid Valentine’s Day romance movies. 

So when Cas turns his alarm off on Friday morning he’s ready to skip first period and sleep in. That’s of course when someone starts honking the horn on their car.

That someone turns out to be Charlie, leaning out of her, too bright, yellow car and waving what Cas assumes is his coffee.

Castiel reluctantly takes a quick shower and throws on some clothes without really looking before making the trek downstairs.

Gabriel laughs at him as soon as he sees him. “What?” Cas asks, squinting his eyes at him. Gabriel just points down at his sweater, unable to talk through the laughs. Cas looks down and sees that awful cat staring back at him.

By the time Cas runs upstairs, changes, and walks back down, Gabriel still hasn’t stopped laughing so Cas just glares at him before running outside to meet Charlie.

She’s leaning up against her car sipping on her own coffee. He grabs his and they’re about to pull away before he realizes something, “Wait- why are you here?”

Charlie gives him a weird look, “What do you mean ‘why are you here’ I’m taking you to school.”

Cas rolls his eyes, “Yes, I realize that. I just meant, don’t you normally pick up Gilda in the mornings?” As he finishes his question he looks over at Charlie who is chewing on her lip and he realizes that something happened that he obviously missed out on.

“Right,” Charlies says softly, “I forgot you haven’t been sitting with us anymore. Gilda is moving this weekend and she thought it would be best if we, uh, saw other people,” she said bitterly.

“Oh Charlie, I’m sorry.” And he was. Cas felt awful. He’d been too stuck in his own drama to even see how his friends were doing.

Charlie shrugged like it was no big deal, “There’s always more fish in the sea, right? Who knows maybe I’ll even get ScarJo.”

Cas laughed at her, even though he knew she was upset Charlie always had a _get back on the horse_ kind of attitude. At least with relationships anyway.

“But, speaking of,” Charlie continued, “Why aren’t you sitting with us at lunch anymore?”

“Because you guys are annoying.” Cas lied.

Charlie just snorted, “Whatever. I know it’s because of Dean.”

“Then why did you ask,” Cas deadpanned, taking another sip of his coffee.

Again Charlie was unaffected, “You know you are the absolute least pleasant person in the mornings.”

Cas shrugged happy to be avoiding the Dean conversation; even if it changed to his crappy attitude.

Then Charlie goes off on a tangent about how the two of them need to get their act together and something about Percy Jackson and that if she had to she would be their glue? It was all very confusing and Cas is just happy he didn’t have to go through it without caffeine.

By the time they pull up at the school Cas is confused but finished with his coffee and Charlie has just about talked herself hoarse (it’s a nervous habit). Castiel is certain their talk about Dean isn’t finished, but when Charlie sits down with him and Meg at lunch he feels nothing but happiness.

It’s nice to have her there.

At first it’s weird seeing Meg and Charlie sitting there together. Charlie’s bright clothes, and even brighter red hair a huge contrast to Meg’s dark hair and even darker clothes, but it was more than that. It was two different sides of Cas’ life suddenly sitting right next to each other talking about queer representation in the media like they did this every day.

He’s having a great day when Crowley decides to walk over. Cas is paying more attention to people watching than anything else so he’s surprised when Crowley is suddenly standing between him and Meg saying, “Right, because you’re a table full of queers.”

Meg’s jaw clenches as she looks up at him, “What the hell is your problem?” People are starting to stare, but Cas isn’t sure what to do. He’s heard rumors that something happened between the two, but he’s never asked her to elaborate. Cas decides to let her handle it.

“Yeah,” Charlie laughs a little trying to defuse the situation, “Besides it’s not like it’s the whole table anyway. But props to you I guess; two out of three aint bad.” It was a joke. He and Meg both knew it, but they couldn’t help the look that passed between them.

He heard the gasp come from Charlie but he couldn’t look up to meet her eyes. He didn’t need to; he knew Charlie had figured it out. She’s smart like that.

Apparently Crowley was too. He was laughing when he said, “Well, I knew it was only a matter of time before you and De-”

Cas cuts him and his laughter off with a fist right on his nose.

Everything started happening all at once after that.

Blood started pouring out of Crowley’s nose at the same time a teacher ran up to assess the damage. Then there were hands on Cas’ arms as one of the coaches grabbed onto him leading him away from the table.

Cas holds his hands up in surrender as someone runs up behind them.

“Wait! Come on that’s not fair!” Cas would know that voice anywhere. Dean is slightly out of breath as he jumps in front of them. “Crowley started it; Cas was just defending himself. At least take them both to the principal’s office.”

He knows he can’t hide the surprise from his face. “Why are you trying to help me?”

Dean visibly flinches at the tone of his voice, but right now Cas doesn’t care. He’s tired of fighting with Dean. He’s tired of keeping up this lie. He’s tired of defending Dean and protecting his secret. Cas is tired of _being_ a secret.

And now his hand is throbbing and he’s probably about to get in serious trouble for defending Dean (again) when Dean has done nothing for him. So Cas was finding it a little hard to feel sympathy.

“I- I was just,” Dean looks at Cas; his green eyes wide, and then drops them to the ground.

“Right,” Cas looks around to the large crowd that has gathered around them, but his eyes zero in on one person. One person with big brown eyes and dark curls who’s looking at Cas with an emotion that he can’t quite place. Whatever it is it makes him look away. “I think you should stop trying to defend me,” Cas says to the ground. “It’s making your girlfriend upset.”

With that he walk himself to the office.

 

Castiel was what you could call a ‘good kid’ he’d never gotten called to the office before so Zachariah decided it would be best for him to go home for the day and ‘think about what he did’. Cas was pretty sure it was just because Crowley was a huge pain in his ass, but either way he wasn’t going to argue.

Since Charlie drove him that morning Zachariah had to go call a parent to tell them he’d gotten in trouble and to come pick him up.

When he left Cas finally checked his phone that had been vibrating almost nonstop since he’d stepped into the office. Most of them were from Charlie and Meg, one from Kevin and Jo, and then finally one from Sam. He opened that one first.

_S: Hey Cas. What happened!? You punched Crowley?? And what happened with you and Dean? Charlie is making no sense!!?_

Cas snorted, “Of course,” he mumbled. “Charlie and her big mouth.” He quickly texted back saying that he would call him later. As soon as he sent send Zachariah walked back in.

“Your dad is on the way.”

Cas raised an eyebrow at him, “Um, do you mean Gabriel?”

The older man sat back down, “No. Chuck Shurley. He is your guardian is he not?”

“Uh, yeah, he is,” Cas answered lamely. _I just didn’t know he was here._

Chuck spent most of his time traveling for his job. He was a journalist. Both he and Gabriel knew he hated it; Chuck always wanted to write novels. Probably something Sci Fi if the rough drafts Cas has seen in his room were anything to go by.

But Gabriel had told him a long time ago that they had to do what paid the bills and Chuck not getting published wasn’t doing that. Of course Cas said that he could get a job to help with that, but Gabriel insisted that he needed to worry about school or all the hard work him and Chuck did would be for nothing.

Cas felt bad making Chuck come get him from school over this. It would had been fine if it was Gabriel. (They were brothers, driving each other crazy was in the job description.) But Chuck wasn’t technically his dad; he was his uncle and it shouldn’t be his responsibility to come get Castiel from school for being an idiot.

He and Gabriel have always had this unspoken agreement to make Chuck’s life as easy as possible. Ever since Amelia (their mother and Chuck’ sister) left a four year old Gabriel and a crying toddler at his house and never came back.

When Chuck finally does arrive he looks exactly how Cas expects him to: awkward. His hair is disheveled, his clothes even more so, and he keeps fidgeting like he doesn’t know what to do with his hands.

The car ride is mostly silent. When they finally pull up to the house Cas finally says, “I’m sorry,” and means it.

Chuck nodded, “Are you okay?”

Cas’ eyes squint in confusion, “Yes. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I mean,” Chuck starts awkwardly, “I know I’m not around enough, but, I uh, no let me finish.” Chuck takes a deep breath, “Gabriel knows you a lot better than I do and he’s really worried about you. That’s why I came home early, because I wanted to make sure you’re okay and my first day back I have to come get you for being in a fight. That’s not like you at all.”

Castiel isn’t sure what to say to that. He is a little surprised that Chuck decided to come home early to check on him, but he decides against saying that. Instead he just mumbles, “It wasn’t much of a fight.”

“That doesn’t make me feel better.”

“I know, sorry.”

There’s an awkward minute where they just sit there; everything left unsaid, but neither of them are good with emotions so they just walk inside and part ways like nothing ever happened.

 

***

 

January

“Don’t ask stupid questions.”

Dean snorted and chugged some more beer.

“God, how much did you drink?” Sam asked jumping onto Cas’ bed.

“Hey,” Dean defended him, “For a little guy he can sure hold his liquor.”

Cas glared at him, looking very serious, “I am the farthest thing from little actually.”

Sam laughed at his brother who was currently coughing and trying not to choke on his beer. His face was beet red and Sam was practically doubled over in laughter as he asked, “Are you okay?”

Dean just gave him a thumbs up in answer.

Out of nowhere Cas declared, “I want to go out.” Sam just snorted at him, “You can’t go anywhere. You’re drunk.”

Cas looked absolutely offended, “I’m not drunk,” he scoffed before standing up. He swayed and had to catch himself on Sam’s shoulder, “Okay, I’m drunk,” he corrected himself.

Dean rolled his eyes and stood up, “I’m not too drunk to drive, come on, lets go.” Sam shook his head, “Oh, no I’m not going anywhere with you two. I would like to live to see tomorrow, thank you very much.”

 With that Sam went downstairs to hang out with Gabriel and Dean and Cas ended up driving to this little clearing in the woods right outside the neighborhood where a lot of kids go to have sex.

And that’s what they did. Right there in the backseat of the impala. They didn’t bother getting dressed as they climbed into the front seat. The windows were still foggy as Cas climbed into Dean lap.

As Cas straddled him Dean complained, “Hey my ass is kinda sore, dude.” Cas just laughed as he kissed up and down Dean’s neck, “Would you like me to get off?” Dean pulled him in closer and Cas figured that was his answer.

“Hey,” Dean started, “Do you remember in like second grade when we had to do that career project?” Cas nodded, his head still in the crook of Dean’s neck. “Yeah we did it together and the teacher got really upset.”

Dean laughed, “She was a bitch, but whatever. What did we name our store again? I can’t remember.”

Cas thought about it for a second before laughing, “Burgers and Books: the Superstore.” Dean snorted, “Oh god, yeah, that was awful. No wonder she hated us.”

As their laughter started to die down the two fell into a comfortable silence that was only interrupted by the soft music playing in the background and the occasion sound of kissing.

Dean was running his hands up and down Cas’ back, leaving soft kisses across his chest, when he finally spoke. “Hey Cas?” His voice was soft and low, barely enough to break out of his comfortable little bubble.

“Yes Dean,” he answered. Dean pulled Cas up enough to look at him, but he didn’t say anything. Just pulled Cas in for a kiss.

It was slow and gentle, unlike any other kiss they’d shared. Cas’ hands were softly running through Dean’s hair as Dean’s hands ran up and down Cas’ back. They moved slowly down to his ass, running his hands softly against his crack.

“Can I?” Dean asked, breathless, as he broke away from the kiss. Cas just nodded, momentarily unsure if he had the ability to speak.

There was a little pause as Dean reached around to find the lube and then his hands were back.

By the time Dean slid one finger in Cas was rock hard and dripping onto Dean’s stomach. They were still kissing. Never once stopping as Dean slid a second finger in and then a third.

Cas was glad that Dean lips were practically attached to his, because he didn’t want to know what he would have sounded like otherwise. He _felt_ like a whimpering mess and quite frankly he didn’t want to know what that sounded like too.

It was Cas who finally slid the condom onto Dean followed by lube.

“Wait,” Dean stopped him, “Are you sure? I mean we don’t have to do anything else.” Cas nodded, “I know. I want this.”

And he did. He was embarrassed by how much he needed Dean to be inside him. By how much he needed Dean to hold him and kiss him and fuck him. By how much he needed Dean to love him.

Dean didn’t say anything, only nodded as he slowly lined himself up.

Cas slid down slowly, surprised by how _full_ he felt. He was also surprised at how little pain there was; for some reason he always expected this to hurt more, but past the initial stinging feeling it just felt good.

 _Really good,_ Cas thought. He couldn’t help all of his little moans as he slid down, finally bottoming out. They were both breathing heavy and Dean was holding onto Cas’ hips like it was taking everything in his power not to move.

And maybe it was. Cas knew how it felt from Dean’s side of things and he knew all Dean wanted right now was to slam into him, but Cas wasn’t ready for that yet. He slid up slowly, Dean groaning the whole way, and then back down just as slow.

Dean leaned his head back against the seat and closed his eyes as Cas set up a slow pace up and down.

“Fuck, Cas,” He muttered as Cas pulled him into a kiss. Soon they were flush together, chest to chest, and Dean was moving Cas and down on top of him; moving up to meet him.

The pace steadily increased as the kiss grew in intensity. It took a while, but eventually Cas’ legs were starting to burn with the exertion and they were both dripping sweat as Dean reached in between them to grab Cas’ cock into his hand.

They were both letting out filthy moans that were barely caught by the others mouth. And just when Cas’ legs started to give out he felt Dean clench up and then Dean was coming.

Cas would feel it. Could feel all of the spasms inside of him, and _fuck,_ Cas was coming too. Dean was too far gone to try and catch it in his hand so it all landed onto his chest.

He didn’t seem to care as he lifted Cas up and into the seat next to him before pulling the condom off. Dean tied it off and threw it into the same cup he threw the other one into.

They’d argued about that the first time they had sex that night because Dean wanted to throw it outside. ‘Everyone else does, Cas, there’s like a thousand out there.’ Cas just shrugged, ‘I’m not going to make it a thousand and one.’

They got dressed after that; trying to ignore the sweat and stickiness and just general ‘I just had sex’ feeling as they climbed onto the top of the Impala and looked at the stars.

Sitting up there, pointing out constellations, and making up their own, Cas knew he wouldn’t ever be truly happy if Dean wasn’t the one by his side.


	6. Holidays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is a lot shorted, but I had to get up at like 6 in the morning to take my dad to the hospital and I wrote this while I was there, so if there's a lot of mistakes sorry (I'm sleep deprived).   
> But anyway hope y'all like it! Comments and Kudos make my day!

February 13th

After he and Chuck picked at the spaghetti Gabriel made for dinner Cas finally called Sam.

He made himself comfortable in his window seat and looked out to the clear night sky. It was beautiful. There were no clouds and the Cas swore he could see every single star in the sky.

As he sat there naming off all of the fake constellations he and Dean had named the night on top of his car, Cas realized that it was the first time that he’d thought about Dean and not felt angry or sad or upset.

All he felt was happiness as he remembered that night. Castiel tried to grab onto that feeling but it was hard he couldn’t remember ever feeling that happy before that night (or since that night).

He was smiling as he called Sam.

It felt like forever before Sam answered, sounding slightly out of breath, “Hey Cas. I was starting to think you wouldn’t call.”

Cas could barely get a word in before Sam is telling him to explain what happened today. Which Cas does.

He ends with Dean trying to defend him and then he gives Sam a second to take everything in.

“Wait,” Sam starts, “I thought Crowley and Dean were friends… why would he be trying to out him?”

Cas shrugs even though Sam can’t see it, “I don’t know. They were friends last year, but I haven’t even seen them talk this year,” he answers honestly.

Last year Dean was one of those people who caused Zachariah so much hell with Crowley, but after the two of them almost got arrested helping with the senior prank Cas hadn’t seen the two interact at all.

Sam just makes a little, _mhm,_ sound before stating, “No wonder he was being an ass today.” Cas doesn’t have to ask who _he_ is, they both know, but it does surprise him that Sam said it at all. They try to avoid all conversations about Dean.

Which is why Cas surprises himself when he blurts out, “How is he?”

“Honestly?” Sam asks.

Cas nods before realizing and then he says, “Yes, honestly.”

Sam sighs, “Well he spends most of his time drinking which I think causes him and Lisa to fight. I hear him screaming over the phone sometimes, even when he walks outside to talk. Not to mention that fact that he won’t talk to me. I mean I’m kind of used to that, but it seems like it’s worse now, like he’s totally just trying to avoid me.”

Cas leans his forehead against the cold glass. He’d never wanted that to happen. It didn’t make him feel any better that Dean seemed just as miserable as he was. Cas still wanted him to be happy. At least then all of this made sense.

Dean left him to be with Lisa so that he could be happy. But apparently he was even worse. None of it made any sense.

“So, yeah, I guess he’s been better,” Sam finished.

“Wait,” Cas realized, “Where are you?”

Sam snorted into the phone, “Oh yeah, I’m sitting on the front steps. I walked outside when you called, that’s what took so long.”

Cas laughed, “Sorry. It’s cold out you should go inside.”

“Don’t apologize,” Sam insisted, “You can call me whenever you need to talk. I don’t care if Dean’s being an idiot, we’re still friends and I’m here if you need me.”

“Thank you.”

“Of course,” Sam said. “But it really is freezing and I have homework to finish. I should go.”

Cas smiled, “Yeah, of course, I’ll talk to you later.”

By the time Cas finally moves to his bed he’s found every constellation that him and Dean created and then he found a couple new ones that he promised himself he would get a chance to show Dean later.

 

***

 

January

“Fuck, Cas.” Dean was naked on his knees leaning over Cas’ bed with Cas on the floor behind him, eating him out. Cas had long ago added a couple fingers in next to his tongue and Dean was thrusting back against him.

“Come on,” Cas said softly, kissing up and down Dean’s thighs. “I want you to come for me.” Dean groaned rutting against the bed.

He made a move to touch himself, but Cas pushed his hand away. “Come on Cas, please, I can’t come like this,” Dean whimpered, his voice rough and low.

Cas just made a little _mhm_ sound against Dean’s hole and then added another finger crooking them just right to find that spot.

That’s when Dean’s phone started ringing.

Cas could see it lighting up in Dean’s jeans lying on the floor across the room, but neither made a move to grab it.

He glared at the blue light as he thrusted his fingers in faster. Cas knew exactly who it was. That was the problem really. If Cas didn’t know that it was Lisa, probably asking where her boyfriend was and why he wasn’t spending his birthday with her, it wouldn’t have been so bad.

But he _did_ know.

And that was the problem. It made the ringing sound even louder and it was steadily ruining his mood. Maybe Dean noticed because he reached back to grab onto Cas. To grab onto his arm, his hair, anything he could reach really, but it didn’t help.

Finally, after what felt like forever, the phone stopped ringing, and as soon as it stopped Dean started talking. He was saying all kinds of things Cas would normally love. About how great he was at this, about how hot Cas was, he just kept talking, but Cas barely heard any of it.

It was a small victory when Dean came. He wanted nothing more than to _not_ think about this thing that he and Dean had. Not when Lisa was now at the forefront of his mind.

Just when Cas sat down on the bed Dean’s phone started ringing again.

“Are you fucking serious,” Dean growled, storming over to grab his pants.

“Yes,” he answered, clearly annoyed. There was a pause and then, “I told you I was at Cas’ house.”

Cas had heard this enough times to know where this conversation was going. “Well I _was_ going to stay the night.” Lisa would probably say something about how she had plans for his birthday and she would of course convince him to go.

“Yeah. Right.”

And then she would say she loved him. “I know,” was his response.

It used to make Cas happy that he never said it back. It was one small shread of comfort that Cas had, but this was the first time Cas realized that Dean had never told him he loved him either.

Not in any way more than an, ‘I love you man.’ Something he says between friends. Because that’s what Cas is. A friend. A buddy.

“Cas?” Dean breaks him out of his thoughts.

“Yes.”

Dean stares at him for a while and down at his pants. He starts playing with the bottom on his jeans, obviously unsure what to say. Cas can’t help the small feeling of comfort in the fact that he’s fully clothed and Dean’s the one naked and exposed for once.

“I um,” he started slowly, “I’m going to go to Lisa’s tonight.”

Cas just nodded.

“I’d rather be here.” Cas doesn’t say anything. “Cas, you know that right?”

Castiel is still just staring at his hands when Dean leans down and pulls him into a kiss.

“I’ll call you later, okay?” Dean says as he gets dressed.

He just nods as Dean leans down and kisses him again before leaving.

 

***

 

February 14th

Cas was pretty sure Gabriel was trying to torture him. He woke him up at some god awful hour in the morning to eat these even more god awful heart shaped chocolate chip pancakes. (Okay so they actually tasted pretty good, but they would have been better if he’d eaten them when the sun was all the way up)

Gabriel was in a very good mood. He always loved Valentine’s Day; he would come home with a girl that night and them half price candy the next day. So in Gabriel’s case it was a huge win-win situation.

Cas on the other hand couldn’t wait until he left so he could go back to bed.

Right as Gabriel was about to leave someone started knocking at the door. Cas was already on his way upstairs when his brother called, “Uh, Cas, I think this is for you.”

He wasn’t really sure how to react when he walked to the door to find a huge heart shaped box with legs attached. Then Meg’s head popped up from behind.

“Hey Clarence. In case you didn’t realize you’re my Valentine now.”

Cas didn’t know it yet, but she was the first in a line of people who would end up in his house that day. They were halfway through When Harry Met Sally when Charlie showed up with popcorn and two litters of Root Beer.

Honestly more popcorn probably ended up on the floor in front of the TV than anywhere else. They had a bad habit of throwing it at the TV at any and every moment they thought was stupid or cheesy. But they still kept making more of it and slowly, but surly they were making their way through the huge box of chocolates Meg had brought.

They had moved past Pretty Women and into Crazy, Stupid, Love when Balthazar showed up.

Castiel didn’t even look up as he walked in, his accent unmistakable, “Apparently my Valentine already had a Valentine,” he paused as he fell into the recliner and then continued, “and a boyfriend.”

He hadn’t brought any food but was quickly making his way through the chocolates when Hannah showed up.

The Notebook was just starting as Hannah walked in waving another box of chocolates. Balthazar quickly grabbed it for himself, already having eaten about a third of the other box by himself.

By the time Love Acually was over all of the chocolate and popcorn was long gone. Wrappers and people thrown about Cas’ living room.

Cas was stuck in between Charlie and Meg on the floor in front of the couch. Hannah and Balthazar had claimed the couch for themselves; Hannah laid out across it with her feet in Bal’s lap.

Hannah was the one who finally decided they should get some dinner, so naturally Meg thought they should order pizza.

Anna showed up at about the same time the pizza did.

“Michael’s an ass,” was all the explanation she gave them before she made herself comfortable on the couch grabbing a whole pizza for herself.

And that was pretty much how Castiel spent his Valentine’s Day.

It was nice. Really, it was. And Cas was happy, but he had an empty feeling in his gut as he looked around the room and couldn’t help but think that there was definitely someone missing.

 


	7. Lucky Charms

January

“…So yes _technically_ bees can’t fly, but that’s based on how birds fly. Obviously bees don’t fly like birds do, they fly like insects, because that’s what they are. It’s the wings flapping up and down that-”

“Is he geeking out again?” Dean broke in as he plopped down into the seat next to Cas.

Jo snorted, “He gets it from you.” To which Dean grabbed a fry off his plate and threw it at her (and missed). She threw one back and Dean practically fell into Cas’ lap trying to catch it with his mouth.

He was surprised Dean stayed so close to him; the two haven’t talked much since Dean’s birthday.  But Dean leaned in close to him, “Hey,” he started, whispering, “Can I come over tonight?”

Cas knew he was giving Dean a weird look, because _since when did Dean ask permission to come over?_

Still, he said, “Yeah, of course.” Because what else was he going to say, _no?_

If he was being honest with himself he would know that there was almost no way he could say no to Dean. And either way, he missed Dean. This last week has been the worst. He and Dean were barely on speaking terms and Cas knew that there was a lot going on between Dean and Lisa that Dean wasn’t sharing with him.

But there’s no way Cas wasn’t going to jump on an opportunity to see Dean.

He wasn’t disappointed. As soon as they walked through the front door Dean was on him. He pushed Cas against the door with a, “God I missed you.”

It definitely wasn’t a bad way to start his Friday.

Gabriel’s car wasn’t there when they pulled up so Cas doesn’t argue when Dean starts pulling his shirt over his head. They break away momentarily, both breathing heavy, to first pull Cas’ shirt off and then Deans.

They were on each other right after. Dean’s mouth moving straight to Cas neck, leaving short kisses up and down; never enough to leave a mark.

Most of their clothes end up on the ground by the time they fall onto the couch. That’s when Cas realized, “Dean, the lube is upstairs.”

Dean didn’t seem fazed by this, he just shrugged and pulled Cas in for another kiss. His hands trailed down Cas’ torso from his position below him before finally grabbing onto Cas’ leaking cock.

“Right now I just want you to come,” Dean said breathless and needy. And then almost as an afterthought he added, “all over me.”

Cas groaned into Dean’s neck as he shamelessly thrusted into his hand before he finally let Dean push him over the edge.

 

“Did you and Lisa get into a fight?”

It’s later that night when Cas finally asks. They were lying in bed watching Die Hard (the first one, of course) and sharing a bowl of popcorn when Cas realized Dean’s phone hadn’t rung once.

It’s been a while since him and Dean really had a night to themselves, and while Cas was loving it, he was still worried something happened. _Maybe that’s why Dean’s been acting weird._

He knew it was a touchy subject for Dean, not to mention one that the two of them never really talked about, but Cas still cared and if Dean needed to talk he was going to be there for him.

But Dean just rolled his eyes and put the popcorn on the bedside table and huffed, “I don’t wanna talk about her Cas.”

Cas was persistant, “Dean, if something happened then-”

Dean broke him off with a kiss that Cas tried and tried to pull away from because, _they had to talk about this, damn it,_ but it was hard to push away when Dean was straddling his lap and rutting against his steadily hardening cock.

“Cas,” Dean said his breathing short and labored, “I would like to ride you now, if that’s okay with you.”

It’s past midnight before they finally fall asleep, which is why Cas cannot figure out why Dean is kissing on his neck and shoulders when he’s pretty sure the sun isn’t even up.

Cas groaned and tried to pull the covers over his head, but it’s apparently very hard to escape from someone you’re sharing a bed with.

“What has gotten into you?” Cas sighed, finally surrendering.

“Other than how extremely sexy your voice is in the morning,” he shrugged, “Nothing.” Cas just snorted and reluctantly sat up, wiping the sleep from his eyes.

Dean stayed lying down, but stretched, his back arching up like a cat. Cas almost laughed at the thought; comparing Dean to his least favorite animal. (Second _maybe_ only to snakes)

But finally Dean did get up and started pulling on clothes. As he threw on sweat pants Cas’ eyes zeroed in on a few finger shaped bruises on Dean hip, before they were covered with the offending fabric.

Cas couldn’t help his smile as he too reluctantly pulled himself out of bed. For some reason those little bruises made him extremely happy. No one else would probably even notice them, but he knew they were there and _how_ they got there and for some reason it felt like a small victory to leave something behind. Like he was claiming Dean, even though he knew how ridiculous that was.

Dean paused before pulling his shirt on, “We should shower,” he offered. And Cas nodded, even he knew they smelled like sex and sweat and he just felt gross and sticky. A shower was just what they needed.

Sharing a shower was nice. Intimate. That was probably a better word to describe this. To describe Dean’s warm body against his. To describe the feel of Dean’s fingers carding through his hair as he scrubbed in shampoo.

It wasn’t even overtly sexual it was just the closeness, the familiarity, of Dean’s body against his as they lightly kissed under the spray of the water.

Sharing that small space of the shower Castiel felt limitless, and infinite, and for maybe the first time ever, he felt loved.

It was over Lucky Charms that his world ultimately fell apart.

 

After the perfection that was the shower he reluctantly threw on a t shirt and some sweat pants, the same ones Dean put on earlier that morning, he noticed.

Dean on the other hand was putting on the clothes he was wearing yesterday. He even slipped his boots on before they made their way downstairs, prompted by their empty stomachs.

In retrospect Cas should have thought this through.

There was no reason why Dean should have actually gotten dressed. Normally they just lounged around in Cas’ clothes (or clothes Dean left here) all day before Dean would finally leave that night, but Cas didn’t think about any of this.

He was on a high from the shower, his whole body buzzing with energy, and he felt warm everywhere. Part of it from the warm water, his body still flushed from it, but most of it was because he was happy. Cas was happier than he could remember being for a very long time and he was reluctant to let anything get in the way of that.

So he made two bowls of cereal and they eat in comfortable silence. Cas is already done eating by the time Dean mumbles out, “She knows,” around a spoonful of marshmallows.

Cas tilted his head slightly, “What?” he asked, confused.

Dean dropped the spoon back into his bowl, the cereal forgotten. “Lisa,” he finally says as an answer. And honestly it’s answer enough.

Cas can feel his heart drop as he nods slowly. Just saying Lisa’s name was answer enough for Cas, but apparently not enough for Dean, because he continues.

“She asked about you. She thinks there’s something going on between us.” Dean says, his eyes on the ceiling.  

“And?”

“And,” Dean answered, “I told her she was crazy. Because she is, okay? There’s nothing going on between us.” He sounded rehearsed, like it was someone else talking for him. Dean looked like it physically pained him to say that, but he did say it.

Cas could feel that warmth turning into anger, and turning fast. “Are you serious?” He asked, standing up slowly. “Hey. Look at me.” Cas said, his voice rising.

Dean took a deep breath and finally met Cas’ eyes.

Dean’s green eyes were dark with anger, but he didn’t look at Cas with any malice. Honestly he almost looked sad. His eyes wet with tears that Cas knew would never fall.

But Cas shook that thought away, “Nothing going on,” he repeated, his voice shaking. He wasn’t sure if it was from anger or hurt as he continued, “Then what is this to you?”

It was a while before he got a mumbled response that he couldn’t even hear.

“What?” he shouted, irritated.

“Nothing!” Dean stood up quickly, his chair flying back behind him. “This is nothing!” He said, his voice breaking at the end.

Cas wasn’t sure how long they stood there just looking at each other. Cas’ jaw clenched so hard it hurt, his hands shaking as he looked up slightly to meet Dean’s eyes.

Eyes that were wide and full of emotion, full of things Cas used to be so good at deciphering. So good that they always joked Cas could read his mind, but now he was just lost and confused and hurt. Unsure of everything he thought he knew.

“Dean,” Cas finally broke the silence. “Get the hell out of my house.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter killed me. I had the worst writers block and this just would not turn out how I wanted it to so I kept coming back to it and trying to write little by little, but finally I just started over and got this so yeah. (Which is also why it's so short) I really hope you guys love it because I'm literally like pulling my hair out over it. Sorry. And sorry it took so long, but yeah.   
> Oh and by the way the thing Cas is rambling on about in the beginning is the quote that says something like, "According to the law of Aerodynamics the bumble bee cannot fly. It's body is too heavy for it's wings, but the bumble bee doesn't know this so it flies on anyway." (or something like that) which is true (kinda). This is based off of how birds fly and not how insects fly. Insects are able to fly because they flap their wings up and down fast enough to propel their bodies. It's just an interesting myth that I came across that I thought Cas would be all over because, ya know, bees. But anyway, that's my ramble (sorry).   
> Again hope y'all like it and Comments and Kudos make my day! So please leave some!


	8. Angels

February 15th

“I told her everything.”

If someone would have told Cas that at about seven in the morning Dean Winchester would be at his door he probably would have laughed in their face.

But lo and behold there he was; flannel and freckles and all.

Considering Cas was pretty sure he was the only one in the house not hung over so he reluctantly went down to the incessant ringing.

He answered the door with a surprised, “Hello Dean,” and Dean countered back with the above statement that had Cas’ mind reeling.

As he tried to process what was happening Dean let himself in, “I mean, uh, hey Cas.”

Cas raised an eyebrow at him and tilted his head a little, “Hi?” Dean was looking everywhere but at him and when Dean didn’t say anything Cas just continued, “Dean, why are you here?”

Dean chuckled a little looking down at his feet, “Uh, I, uh,” he stuttered out never really finishing his statement, but he didn’t have to.

“You told Lisa,” Cas stated.

It isn’t really a question, but Dean nods anyway. “I told her last night and I wanted to come here right away, but I wasn’t sure you’d want to see me,” He admitted.

“But I had to see you and I know I don’t deserve,” he trailed off for a second, took a deep breath and then continued, “I just want to, I don’t know, start over I guess. Without Lisa and without all the fighting and shit.”

“Start over,” the phrase doesn’t sit well in Cas’ mouth. _Start over._ He doesn’t want to start over. He wants to move forward; not act like none of this happened. It seems pointless anyway after they’ve been through so much together.

But Cas _does_ want Dean, has always wanted him. And that’s the problem really. It’s still so ridiculously hard to say no to Dean, but he has to because he can’t have another repeat of the last few months.

“I can’t be a secret anymore,” Cas says with (thankfully) more conviction than he feels.

Dean nods, “I told Lisa, and I mean Charlie won’t care, and Sam-”

“No, you don’t understand,” Cas breaks in, “I can’t be your boyfriend behind closed doors. I want to go out and be able to tell people.” Then Cas adds, “And kiss you in front of your dad.”

Dean’s face falls. Cas knows John is a sore spot, but he can’t help it. Maybe Meg was getting to him, but he knew that this was inevitably for the better. He wanted Dean, but he wanted to actually be happy with Dean and this was the only way for that to be able to happen.

“Cas, I can’t- My dad…” He stuttered for a minute, wringing his hands. “Can’t we just,” Dean started before catching himself and stopping, his green eyes wide and sad. “You’re right, I’m sorry.”

Dean reached his hand out to brush his fingers across Cas’ wrist. “I can’t ask that of you again, I’m an ass and you deserve better,” he said, his voice cracking at the end.

Without even thinking about it Cas pulled Dean in for a kiss.

It was the bad idea to top _all_ bad ideas, but he couldn’t help himself as he slowly pressed Dean up against the front door. This kiss is unlike all the others. It’s hard and rough and there’s too much teeth and not enough tongue, but Cas doesn’t care.

Kissing Dean again feels like the first breath of air to a drowning man and he can’t stop.

They’re all hands and pressed together so close it’s impossible to see where one ends and the other begins. Cas breaks away panting, “So I guess this is it,” Cas’ voice is deep and rough from their kissing and more than a little shaky. But thankfully Dean’s sounds much the same when he replies with, “Yeah, I guess so.”

They share a look that Cas doesn’t have the time or the blood flow to his brain to figure out and then they’re kissing again.

Cas tries to take of Dean’s jeans at the same time Dean tries to remove Cas’ shirt and it’s messy and complicated, but Cas can’t find it in him to care.

Not as they fall (finally naked) onto the carpet together. Cas is pretty sure that can’t feel good on Dean’s backside, but he doesn’t mention it so Cas just grabs both of them into his hand.

His hand is slick with nothing but precome, but he doesn’t stop. Just brings his lips down to kiss and suck at Dean’s neck (trying to leave as many marks as possible), because for once he can.

“Cas, fuck, please fuck me,” Dean whimpers. Cas groaned into his neck, “The lube is all the way upstairs.”

But Dean just shook his head, “No. My jeans,” he made a motion over to where they were lying a couple feet away, “I brought some.”

Cas looked back over at him, “That’s a bit presumptuous don’t you think,” Cas deadpanned. Dean shrugged, “I like being prepared, and it’s about to get you laid so stop complaining.”

He just rolled his eyes and reached for his pants. Dean spread his legs wide for Cas to fit perfectly in-between. Cas opens him up slowly, kissing him the whole time.

Kissing his lips, his cheeks, his forehead, his neck, anywhere he can while Dean moans and whimpers underneath him. Cas is pretty sure this is as close to heaven as he’s going to get as he slowly slids in.

He wants to make this last, he wants to forget that this is the last time he will ever have a chance to do this. Cas wants to pretend that he didn’t understand now why Dean acted how he did on that day that seemed so long ago. That it made sense that Dean wanted to do all of these things he knew he would never get a chance to do again.

But Cas didn’t want to focus on that, so instead he focused on how Dean felt around him and how he sounded. He tried to store away just how Dean sounded when he moaned Cas’ name; he never wanted to forget that.

As Dean started kissing his neck, urging him on, Cas finally couldn’t take it. He started pounding into Dean like never before. His hands were going to leave big bruises on Dean’s hips and there were already red marks covering his neck and chest. This just urged Cas on even more.

Cas wants Dean to feel this for a week; wants him to look at all those hickeys and know that _Cas_ left them there.

Dean seemed to have the same idea as he dug his short nails into Cas’ back so hard Cas could feel the blood trails left in their wake.

“Cas,” Dean moaned, his voice shaking, “Cas I- I,” He broke Dean off with a kiss. Cas couldn’t hear that. Not now. Not when he was trying to get over Dean, trying to move on.

If Dean ever said those words Cas wasn’t sure he would be able to ever let Dean go.

When they finally came it was bittersweet.

They dressed slowly. It was awkward; something neither of them knew how to react to.

“So,” Dean said as he laced up his boots, “I guess I’ll see you at school?” He says it like a question so Cas nods from his place on the couch.

For a minute Dean just stands there chewing on his lip before he grabs his key and turns to leave, “Goodbye Cas.”

Cas barley gets out, “Goodbye Dean,” before the tears start.

 

Cas wakes up to ice cold water and Gabriel’s laughter. “What the hell?” Cas screamed jumping up from the couch, unsure of when he fell asleep.

“I couldn’t help it,” Gabriel said through his laughter, “Why were you passed out on the couch anyway?”

He didn’t answer him just ran upstairs to the soundtrack of laughter.  After a long steamy shower Cas dressed in some comfy sweat pants and (of course) a sweater. He moved past the green cotton one and decided on the plain grey cashmere sweater that was definitely his most comfortable, but also pretty expensive so he usually didn’t wear it.

Cas needed comfort today though so he curled up in the oversized sweater and before he even realized it, it was five O Clock and Gabriel was knocking on his door.

He walked in without waiting for an answer. “Can I help you?” Cas asked sarcastically.

“Alright I know I was a dick, but it was pretty funny. Okay, not funny at all, sorry.” Gabriel rolled his eyes as he pulled up the desk chair next to Cas’ bed.

“Damn,” Gabriel continued, “Did you get into a fight with a vacuum cleaner?” Gabriel snorted, indicating Cas’ neck.

Cas sighed pulling at his comforter, “Dean came over this morning.” Gabriel looked like that was the answer to everything, “I knew you too were banging!”

“Were are _not_ ‘banging’,” Cas groaned, “I mean we’re- we did, uh,” Finally Cas took a deep breath and started talking.

He told Gabriel everything (well a very PG version of everything but still) and surprisingly Gabriel just sat there and listened. After Cas spilled his guts all his brother said was, “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me this before.”

Cas shrugged, “I wasn’t sure how you’d react,” he admitted.

“Seriously,” Gabriel asked, “What the hell did you think I’d say? I mean who hasn’t sucked a dick once or twice?”

“Oh my god,” Cas threw the covers over his head. “I never wanted to know that about you.” Gabriel just laughed at him. “Dude I work in porn and I’m like a 3 or something on the Kinsey Scale, so yeah, shit happens.”

Cas laughed and slowly pulled his covers off his face, “Hey Gabe?”

“Yep?”

“Do you like your job?” Cas asked. Gabriel shrugged, “It’s not all it’s cracked out to be.”

“Then why do you do it?”

“It pays the bills. And I mean I’m good at it,” Gabriel said raising his eyebrows suggestively. Cas snorted, but mostly ignored the comment.

For some reason Cas was in a talkative mood. His mind was just working a mile a minute and he couldn’t stop himself when he blurted out, “You never talk about dad.”

Gabriel looked up at the ceiling, shifting in his seat. It was the first time Cas had ever seen his brother look anything but confident or cocky and oddly Cas didn’t like it.

“There’s nothing to say,” was all he offered as an answer.

“But I mean,” Cas insisted, “There has to be something. I mean what did he even look like?”

“Yes,” Gabriel answered with a sad chuckle. “You’re a spitting image of him actually. More and more every day.”

Cas didn’t expect that and definitely didn’t know where to go from there so he didn’t say anything. Thankfully Gabriel filled the silence.

“It’s funny because I can remember it perfectly. Dad wasn’t there when you were born so I got to hold you first.” Gabriel actually looked nostalgic, a small smile on his face.

“You looked like a fat alien,” Gabriel snorted and was met with a pillow to the face. “You were quiet the whole time, just staring at me with your creepy blue eyes and you just _wouldn’t_ let go of my hand.”

Gabriel took a deep breath before continuing, “And then dad arrived,” he sighed.

After a minute of silence Castiel couldn’t wait any longer, “What happened?” he asked.

“At first it was fine. Dad took one look at you and said that you had to be named after him. Said that you were his spitting image and you had to be named James. Mom would have none of that, she insisted on naming you Castiel. They started fighting but it was like you didn’t even notice, just kept looking at me,” Gabriel trailed off.

Eventually Gabriel shrugged, trying to lighten the mood, “So you were named James Castiel Novak and then Dad kissed us goodbye and I never saw him again.”

“But wait,” Cas said, confused, “That’s not my name,” he finished lamely.

Gabriel snorted, giving him a weird look, “Right. You really don’t remember us changing your name?”

Cas shook his head and sat up. Gabriel just laughed, “I knew you were slow, but, damn.”

“Do you want another pillow to the face?”

Gabriel held up the first pillow Cas threw at him, “Just know I have ammo too now,” before sitting back in his seat.

“You were in like third grade,” Gabriel started, “You had to do this name project or something for class and that’s when I told you that you were named after dad. That was the first and last time I ever saw you throw a temper tantrum.” He laughed at the memory.

Gabriel smiled as he continued, “You said that you didn’t want to, and I quote, ‘Be named after some dude you didn’t even know’ and so we changed your name to Castiel Novak.”

“An angel like my big brother,” Cas whispered, starting to remember. Gabriel nodded, “You were even sappy back then.”

Cas decided it was worth the risk as he grabbed another pillow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chapter took a while so sorry :/ but I hope y'all like it! I've been doing GISHWHES this week so ya know... been kinda busy! but it's been so much fun so far!!!! anyway haha I think just one more chapter after this.   
> Leave some comments and kudos guys!


	9. Steps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been forever, but I am going to finish this story. I just started my first year of college so it's been a little crazy to say the least, but here's something. I'm already half way through the last chapter and I'm expecting it to be pretty long but we'll see how it goes.

By the time Dean walked through the front door his anger had only slightly subsided. He was fuming. His hands clenched into fists just egging for a fight but John was nowhere to be found.

Dean tried to hide his disappointment as he stormed to his room. He wanted to fight; he wanted to hit and be hit for being so stupid.

His fingers were itching to pick up his phone and call Cas, his legs itching to run back to his house, but that was stupid. All of this was stupid and he didn’t know how to fix it.

When he slammed open and then shut their door Sam barely looked up from his laptop as he typed away. Dean knew he’d been acting off recently and it wasn’t until then that he felt bad about it. Dean fell face first onto his mattress and Sam kept typing away.

It was starting to work his nerves. The _tap, tap, tapping,_ that wouldn’t stop. Finally Dean started to lose it and admitted, “You know, I fucked Cas,” his voice was muffled by the pillowed his face was currently smashed into, but he knew Sam heard him.

The tapping paused and he could hear fabric rustling that was probably Sam looking over at him, but he couldn’t move. Dean was rooted into his safe spot where he could pretend he hadn’t just confessed his biggest secret to his little brother.

Then Sam started tapping away again with a, “Yeah, I know.”

Dean lifted his head slightly, “Yeah, you know?” he mimicked, “That’s it?”

Sam sighed and closed his laptop with a _click,_ “What do you want me to say Dean?” He asked. Dean didn’t have an answer, but luckily he didn’t have to because Sam continued.

“I don’t care that you two were together. What I do care about is the fact that you didn’t even care enough to tell me. I mean seriously what the hell is that? I had to find out from Cas. _Cas._ You know, the guy who isn’t my older brother.”

Dean sat up slowly, “Look Sam I’m sorry but- wait, Cas told you?”

Sam rolled his eyes and gave him a huge bitch face. “Is that seriously all you heard?”

Dean fell back onto his mattress, face up this time and apologized even though it sounded fake and pathetic even to him. He was just so tired. And not just because he’d barely gotten three hours of sleep last night or because all of his muscles were pleasantly sore from his earlier activities, it was more because he was mentally exhausted.

His head hurt almost as much as his heart and even though his eyes were dropping as he counted the popcorn on the ceiling sleep wouldn’t find him.

Finally Dean turned his head to look at his little brother who was back on his laptop but had a book open next to him.

“Hey, Sammy?”

Sam just hummed not even looking up from his textbook. “Do you think I’m being stupid?”

“You mean because you’ve been playing Lisa and Cas because you can’t admit that you like guys to anyone, not even yourself? If so, then yes.”

Dean snorted tucking his arms under his head thinking about that for a minute. “I’m not gay.” He said finally. Sam rolled his eyes again, “Well obviously. You know there is a thing called bisexual.”

“When did you get so smart?”

Sam didn’t answer just started typing on his laptop again.

“He saw us,” Dean admitted. And then elaborated, “Dad I mean. He saw me and Cas kissing during Christmas break.”

Sam nodded, “That explains a lot, but Dean it doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it matters, he’s our dad.”

“Yeah,” Sam interrupted, “Your dad that beats the crap out of you for loving someone. That doesn’t sound like someone whose opinion you should care about.”

Dean couldn’t argue with that so instead he pulled at a loose string on his comforter and listened to the steady, now comforting, tapping of keys.

“I just feel like,” Dean started, not looking up, “I just think I really screwed up and I don’t know if I can fix it.”

He heard Sam sigh from the other side of the room, “Seriously Dean? Cas has been in love with you since forever. You could not have screwed up that bad.”

“I don’t know about that,” Dean muttered. “What would you do if you were me?”

Sam shrugged, “Call Charlie.”

“Call Charlie? Why the hell would I do that?” Sam sighed and then gave him another bitch face, “Because, Dean, her and Meg are the only two people Cas has been talking to so if you want to do something to win him back she would be the best person to call.”

Dean mulled that over for a minute and then asked, “And again I say, when did you get so smart?”

 

He did end up calling Charlie and together they came up with a plan. Step one of this plan was telling his dad.

Which was why Dean sent Sammy off to school early and Dean was standing in the kitchen doorway staring at his very hungover father.

John was cradling a mug of coffee in his hands (at least Dean hoped it was just coffee) as he sat at their small coffee table in the dark. Dean was still staring trying to decide what to say when his dad broke in, “Take a picture. It’ll last longer.”

Dean jumped at the voice, quiet to not aggravate his headache, but didn’t know what to say. His mouth flapped open and closed a few times before saying, “I need to talk to you.”

John snorted, “Well spit it out, boy.”

_Well,_ Dean thought, _here goes nothing._ “I’m gay.”

“I thought I was bi,” Dean had asked the night before when talking to Sam about what he should say. “Yes, but dad probably doesn’t even know what that means.” Dean just nodded his affirmative as Sammy continued, “So to make sure he knows what you mean that would be the simplest way to _come out,_ hah, see what I did there.”

Dean’s pretty sure he smacked him after that, but right now he can’t really focus when John is _finally_ looking up at him. Staring at Dean like he just grew a second head (John would probably prefer that) before he slowly asks, “What did you just say to me?”

“I like guys, dad, I’m gay.” Dean says again with a little more finality. It feels weird saying it out loud. He’d never said those words to anyone, not even Cas.

Even with his dad looking at him like he is it feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off of his shoulders with that confession.

“No you’re not Dean,” John says looking eerily calm as he stands. “It’s that little faggot Cas that has your head all fucked up.”

His first instinct is to defend Cas to tell his dad to go fuck himself and a lot of other things Sam told him he should say. “You need to convince him that this is about _you_ not Cas. Make sure he knows that you’re not going to change. And do all of this _without_ fighting.”

Dean took a deep breath.

“Dad this is about _me_ I’ve been attracted to guys for a while now and you know that. Even if you didn’t want to see it.” He cuts his dad off before he can even start, “In second grade I told you I wanted to give Christian a card for Valentine’s Day and you slapped me and ripped up the card I spent all night making.”

“I think about that a lot,” Dean admitted. “You never let me tell you anything or even be who I really was without being ridiculed. And even if you don’t want to admit it you’ve known for a while exactly how I am and that’s never going to change.”

“Like hell it won’t!” John rushed up to where Dean was standing in the doorway and started screaming (hangover be damned), “You better fucking fix yourself because I didn’t raise no queer!”

For some reason that pissed Dean off more than anything else could have. He nodded, “You’re right you didn’t raise a queer.” John starts nodding but Dean just laughed without any humor, “You didn’t raise me at all.”

 

School sucked.

Sam caught a ride with Jess that morning (Dean was already thinking of ways to mess with him about that) so the ride to school was quiet and gave him way too much time to think. Almost breaking his speakers did nothing to dull the thoughts pounding away in his head.

He’d run out of the house before John could do much else. It wasn’t his proudest moment, but he had promised Sam that he wouldn’t get into a fight and honestly he was too tired of fighting with his father to even continue the conversation.

Dean finally pulled into school as the late bell rang through the silence of the parking lot. Everyone was already in class, which he almost considered a small victory as he ran past Cas’ locker, except for the fact that everyone looked at him like he just murdered someone as he slid into his seat in the back.

He pulled out his phone and noticed that Sam had texted him asking how everything went. It was his not so subtle way of making sure Dean was alive and actually at school.

Dean sent him a quick text back in the affirmative before his teacher started giving him the stank look and he had to put his phone up. 

School for the most part was slow after that. Until Calculus that is.

Dean got to class early and sat at his regular seat in the back. He was still out of it from that morning so when Castiel walked through the doors up front his breath caught in his throat.

Cas was wearing a loose pair of light blue jeans that were ripped slightly at the knees. On top of that was a light grey shirt with _turn off the tap_ written in neat blue cursive. White Converse completed the look. He looked exactly how he’d always looked.

He looked gorgeous.

And Dean couldn’t stop staring.

His eyes zeroed in on Cas’ neck. On the two purple marks that were visible above his shirt. Dean flushed knowing that those were from him; knowing that there were many more under his shirt as well.

Subconsciously Dean’s hand drifted to his own neck; to the almost matching marks that he had.

That was when he and Cas locked eyes.

At some point Cas must have noticed Dean’s staring and now he was stopped right next to his desk just looking at Dean.

Most of the class was already there milling around completely oblivious to the turmoil going on in Dean’s head and heart. His heart that was now beating a mile a minute; threatening to burst out of his chest at any second.

Cas looked about the same, his blue eyes wide and open begging Dean to say something, but he couldn’t. His mouth wouldn’t move, he couldn’t get any words out.

Dean tried to tell him everything with his eyes. To tell Cas that he was sorry. Even if it didn’t matter. He wanted Cas to know. Wanted him to know that Cas meant everything to him. _I love you._ Dean thought, hoping that he could get the point across. Hoping that if Cas didn’t know anything else he at least knew that.

But then the moment was gone. The girl behind Cas needed to get to her seat and Garth popped up from nowhere and appeared in the seat next to him and before he could do anything about that Cas was sitting down in his seat.

He didn’t looked back for the rest of class.

 

Coming out to his dad almost seemed easy compared to this.

How the hell were you supposed to tell your friends that you were gay? _Sorry, bi,_ Dean corrected himself mentally.

He decided to start small. He texted Benny first. Out of everyone he knew if he had to pick a best friend that wasn’t Sam or Cas it was definitely Benny and he felt like Benny wouldn’t really care one way or the other so he started with him.

_D: hey man whats up?_

The response came quickly.

_B: Nothing much just dropped off Andrea. Whats up chief?_

Dean laughed at the question. _What is up?_ This took a little longer. He erased three different messages before deciding on:

_D: so you know cas right?_

_B: Yeah? Of course… Did you finally realize you loved him or something?_

_B: because if youre having some kind of crisis right now  don’t_

So apparently coming out would be a lot easier than he thought.

“Well duh,” Sam snorted as he plopped onto the bed, “Everyone knew you had a thing for Cas. You two were kind of obvious.” 

Dean frowned, “Shut up, bitch.”

 

Another step on Dean’s list was to talk to Lisa. Honestly he was dreading this task the most. The two people he hurt the most were Cas and Lisa and Charlie figured he should make it right with both of them. She was right of course, but that didn’t make this any easier.

Dean was a coward so he waited until the end of the week before calling her. 

He was almost positive he’d got her voicemail before he was met with, “Hey Dean.” Her voice was soft and sweet and everything he remembered it being. She didn’t sound mad or upset, but he knew that didn’t matter much. Lisa was an expert at controlling her emotions.

“Lis,” he started, but didn’t know where to go from there. “Hey, uh, how you been?”

“Been better,” She admitted.

“Yeah,” Dean nodded.

“I didn’t expect you to call me.”

Dean chewed on his lip, “Yeah, I know. I almost didn’t I wasn’t sure if you wanted to hear what I had to say, but I just, uh, I wanted to say I’m sorry.”

Lisa doesn’t say anything to that so Dean just shakily continues, “What I did was really shitty. I really did, and do, like you Lis but I shouldn’t have done what I did. I was confused and I thought dating you would make my dad happy, but I couldn’t stop seeing Cas.”

Now that he’s talking he can’t seem to stop. “I love his Lisa. I really do and that scared me. It still kind of does, but I need to do what makes me happy, not that you didn’t make me happy because you did it’s just. I don’t know. I don’t want you to hate-”

“I understand,” Lisa interrupts. “I do understand Dean and I’m not sure if I totally forgive you yet, but I don’t hate you. I could never hate you, I care about you too much.” 

It’s not perfect, but at this point Dean will take whatever he can get.

“I’m so sorry Lis,” he says and for once really means it.

 

Now that his friends know about him and Cas and just his sexuality in general Dean expected things to be different. But the only thing that really changes is that now everyone wants to help him get Cas back.

It’s weird really. Dean can’t help but wonder why he waited so long to do this.

Then he goes home and gets a rude reminder.

John hasn’t talked to him since the confession on Monday and Dean isn’t sure if he’s sad about that fact. The two skate around each other like the other one doesn’t even exist. There’s much less fighting and yelling now a days, but Sam seems to think this is just as bad.

“Whatever. If he wants to act like I don’t exist then so be it. Let him pretend his eldest son dropped off the face of the earth,” Dean tries (and fails) not to sound bitter.

Sam frowns at him from his spot at the desk, “This is seriously weird Dean. I’ve never seen him this quiet in my whole life. Maybe we should say something to him.”

Dean caught the baseball he was tossing into the air before sitting up, “What the hell are we supposed to say? Oh hey dad, you’re not yelling or hitting your kids, you know us, so we’re worried about you.”

_Cue the bitch face,_ thought Dean as Sam turned away, “Whatever, I’m just worried, okay?”

“Well don’t be.”

That would have been the end of the conversation, but Dean couldn’t stop thinking about it. Every time Dean came home to a mostly sober John or to the smell of grease that meant his dad had been working with Bobby all day that conversation kept popping back up into his head.

It was what he was thinking about as he stared into the very dark, very unruly mop of hair that was sitting at the front of his Calculus class.

He could almost remember what it felt like to run his hands through that hair; trying in vain to fix it. Or what it felt like against his skin, his neck, his back as Cas curled up behind him as they slept.

It felt like centuries ago that he’d last touched, or been touched, by Castiel like that. Dean was starting to forget what he smelled like (apples?) or what he tasted like (Dean was almost positive it was always mint, but Cas didn’t have honey chap stick he liked to use).

So much had changed to quickly and maybe that was what was happening with his dad. Maybe he was finally starting to change.

Dean wasn’t sure how to feel about the thought. He’s thought that many times and been let down every single time, but for some reason this felt different. Dean was hopeful for once.

As he watched Cas take notes he felt hope swell up in his chest. For once in his life he felt like things could work out. His dad could get better and start working at the shop every day and maybe go to AA meeting.

If Dean could get better it didn’t seem so crazy that his dad could too.

And Dean was determined to be a better person. He was trying to be himself for once, even if figuring out exactly who that was, was harder than he thought it would be he was doing it and he was determined to make everything better with Cas.

Even if he didn’t want to get back together again (or for the first time?) Dean just wanted something more than this. Something more than staring at the back of Cas’ head in the one class they shared; unsure of where they stood. Not even sure if Cas hated him or not.

Almost as if he read Dean’s mind Cas turned around slightly in his chair. Just enough that Dean could see his face and he smiled.

It was a small smile, just a slight upturn of his lips, but it felt like the world to Dean. He was a master of Cas’ facial expressions, especially considering they were usually few and far between, so he knew the gravity of what that meant.

Dean smirked, probably looking like an idiot, before picking his hand up for a small wave Cas’ smile increased just slightly before he turned back to face the teacher.

Dean didn’t stop smiling for the rest of the day.

 

He was in such high spirits that when he got home that day he decided to talk to his dad.

It turned out to be a small affair.

“Hey dad.” Dean said surprising John and Sam as he walked through the door.

His dad raised an eyebrow at him as he pulled a beer out of the fridge. “Hi.” He said simply walking over to the couch.

“You can invite that friend of yours over sometime if you want,” He said before turning on the TV effectively ending the conversation.

“Well that’s a start I guess,” Dean said after closing the door to their room.

Sam laughed, “Yeah, let’s just hope he was talking about Cas.” Dean just snorted.


	10. Prom?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So originally I was going to put all of this last chapter together, but I liked it better split up so yeah. There will be another chapter after this but I'm like in class right now and I wanted to go ahead and upload this while I had the chance. The last chapter should be up like Thursday or Friday hopefully.

 

It turned out to be a good thing that his friends were so on board with the whole _get Cas back_ plan because the last step required some help.

Mostly little motivational speeches from Charlie and the occasional punch from Jo that he needed to man up and get his man back.  

But he was still extremely nervous about the whole thing. Talking about his feeling wasn’t exactly Dean’s specialty. But there he was standing by Cas’ car after school waiting for everyone else to get out of class.

Dean skipped his lasted class to get everything ready and to try and mentally prepare for what he was going to say to Cas whenever he did get out of class.

He still had no idea.

He was secretly counting his blessings that Charlie picked something that he had to wait for as the final step because he and Cas were actually doing okay.

They weren’t exactly on speaking terms, but they didn’t avoid each other in class or in the hallways. Cas even started saying hey to him when they saw each other and when they got paired together on a worksheet in class they fell into pleasant conversation. It wasn’t how things were before. Their conversations were still strained, but it felt good to be talking again.  

John was also slowly improving. He wasn’t going to Alcohols Anonymous or anything but he was working almost every day and Dean hadn’t seen him drink anything harder than a beer so all in all he was counting that a win.

Everything was looking up.

Dean was feeling better than ever. With the exception of right now.

The single rose in his hand seemed stupid and cheesy now. So did the blue balloons tied to Cas’ car; they matched the PROM? written on the window. Most of this was Charlie’s idea. She thought that Dean needed to do this publicly so that Cas would know he was serious.

It was a great idea except for the fact that he was sweating under his leather jacket. It was the one Cas gave him. It was too hot outside for it, but Dean refused to take it off. It felt like a security blanket.

So did the bracelet that Dean was currently twisting around his wrist as he waited for Cas to get out of class.

Finally Dean caught sight of him.

Castiel was staring down at his phone as Meg chatted next to him; completely oblivious to Dean standing by his car, rose now hidden behind his back.

Meg caught sight of him but didn’t comment on it. Dean figured Charlie already clued her in ahead of time.

They were only about ten feet away before Cas switched his phone out for his keys as he slowly looked up at Dean.

 They stood there for a while just looking at each other before Meg pushed Cas forward, “Well, hear what he has to say.”

“Thanks,” Dean said lamely. “Uh, hey Cas.”

Cas tilted his head slightly, “Hello Dean?”

“I have a lot to say don’t I, a lot to explain, and to apologize for. So let me start with: I never wanted to hurt you. But I did, I hurt you _a lot_ and I know that, and I can never apologize enough for how I treated you. You didn’t deserve any of it and I certainly don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’m asking for it, because I love you Cas. I always have and I don’t want to be without you. You have every right and every reason to just tell me to go fuck myself and I probably deserve it. Okay, I know I deserve it, but I’m trying Cas and I want to make this right.”

Castiel was still just standing there, his book bag hanging from his shoulder and his keys dangling from his pinky finger. His eyes were wide and blue and beautiful and Dean wished that he could just reach out and kiss him.

Instead he kept talking; he felt like he couldn’t stop now that he’d started. “I pretty much told my dad to go fuck himself.” Cas definitely looked surprised by that, but he didn’t say anything so Dean continued.

“So that’s why I’m here in the middle of the parking lot making a fool of myself, because you’re worth it Cas and me possibly getting rejected in from of half the school is worth the small possibility that you’ll give me another chance.

Oh, and uh,” Dean fumbled, holding the rose out to Cas, “I got you this too.”

There was a scary second when no one moved. Cas looked down at the red rose that was starting to shake in Dean’s unsteady hand and then he slowly reached up and grabbed the stem. His fingers tentatively pulling the flower free of Dean’s hand.

“Okay,” Cas said, his voice softer than Dean had ever heard it. It didn’t matter, because it sounded like heaven to Dean.

And apparently Charlie.

She appeared seemingly out of nowhere and started screaming and clapping. She was soon joined by Sam and Jo and a few others that Dean was really trying to ignore.

Dean really didn’t want to see what he looked like right now if Cas’ red face was anything to go by, but he was happy. His cheeks hurt with how much he was smiling.

He wasn’t sure if it could get any wider, but when Cas gave him a small smile back anything felt possible.


	11. Prologue: Prom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long... I have no excuse really except that I have terrible time management!   
> And don't ask me when I started shipping Meg/Charlie cause I don't even know, man. I hope you like this though.

“Am I being stupid?” Cas asked shoving more fries into his mouth.

Meg just shrugged her shoulder digging into his hip. She had her head on Cas’ stomach and her legs up on the wall which seemed extremely uncomfortable to Castiel, but he didn’t mention it.

“Do you think you’re being stupid? Because recently you’ve been the happiest I think I’ve ever seen you.”

Cas mulled that over some more french fries.

He _was_ happy that was for sure. He and Dean had been one two actual dates by now. The first was to the movies. Sure they’d been to the movies before, but back then Dean didn’t put his arm around Cas’ shoulders and lean into kiss him any chance he could get. (Which was a lot by the way.)

Dean also took him out to dinner the next day. He said it didn’t count as a date because it was just burgers, but Dean held his hand over the table and it was his idea that they share a milkshake so Cas was definitely counting that as a date.

They were supposed to be going to Balthazar’s party next week which Cas was kind of on the fence about, but it was pretty obvious Dean was trying to show that he was okay with them being public so Cas didn’t argue much about it.

“I guess you’re right.”

Meg snorted, “I’m always right, but seriously,” Meg sat up and turned to Cas. “There is no way in hell that you could give up the opportunity to get back together with Dean-O and actually be able to live with yourself.”

Cas frowned, “That’s not true.”

Meg rolled her eyes and plopped back down on Cas’ stomach. “Ow,” Cas deadpanned but Meg just laughed. “I’m sure you getting laid again isn’t hurting the situation.”

“I’m not- I mean, we are not having sex.”

“I know _we’re_ not. Okay, okay sorry, grumpy, but are you serious? The two of you get the chance and you’re not going at it like bunnies again?”

Cas shoveled more fries into his mouth avoiding the question. Eventually though he said, “We’re taking it slow,” around a mouth full of fries.

“Huh,” Was all Meg said.

Cas nodded. Truth be told he missed it.

Not just the sex but the intimacy. He missed the after parts. When they would lay together and just talk or hold one another. Cas missed being able to listen to the steady beat of Dean’s heart as he feel asleep.

Dean hadn’t even stayed the night yet.

Suddenly the fries didn’t taste so good anymore, not with his emotions all screwed up and a very heavy head pressing down on his stomach.

“Why did we do with to ourselves?” Cas asked holding up the McDonald’s bag that was still half full of french fries.

“I don’t know, but I wish Ruby was here.”

Cas frowned, “Ruby? Isn’t that the girl who’s like obsessed with Sam?”

Meg nodded, “She’s also obsessed with fries.”

“Ah.”  

 

* * *

 

 

School was at least semi back to normal. Cas still sat with Meg and Charlie but he and Dean sat together in class again. They were almost back to normal again.

And then there was spring break.

It was the second week of March and of course Balthazar decided to have a party. Cas was pretty sure the entire school (or at least the entire senior class) was going to be attending and for some reason Dean was adamant that they were going to go.

Considering he didn’t go to the last party Cas agreed to go. (For Balthazar, of course.) 

There was drinking and a lot of it. Cas wouldn’t say he was drunk just pleasantly tipsy. Dean was another story.  

Dean who was currently pulling Cas in for a kiss in the middle of Balthazar’s living room. That wasn’t exactly a problem. The problem was that his living room had been transformed into a makeshift dancefloor and therefore Dean and Cas were pressed together from head to toe and it was doing things to Cas that definitely haven’t happened in a while.

But it shouldn’t be.

Nothing should be happening while one or both of them were intoxicated. That’s what started all of this in the first place.

Cas’ body was betraying him though because he really wanted this. That’s why he let Dean drag him out of the living room and into Balthazar’s guest bedroom. There was already a couple half naked on the bed though who had a few choice words to say about Dean and Cas walking in on them.

“Put a sock on the door then damn!” Dean screamed as Cas broke into a fit of giggles.

They wound up in the coat closet down the hall bot still laughing as Dean spent a good ten minutes trying to lock the door.

Finally Cas just pulled him in for a kiss, “You’re drunk,” he mumbled against Dean’s lips.

“You’re drunk,” Dean argued with a frown and an accusatory finger.

Cas snorted again before Dean pulled him in for another kiss. This was good. Cas could definitely get used to this as he crowded Dean against the door.

Dean pulled him even closer by grasping onto his ass and pulling him in. Cas can’t help the gasp that that pulls out of him.

When Cas’ mind finally catches up Dean is sucking marks into his neck and Cas has a vice grip in Dean’s hair, his other hand in between Dean’s shoulder blades underneath his shirt.

“Dean wait,” Cas’ voice was deep and rough, almost unrecognizable, but Dean breaks away immediately.

“Yeah? What’s up?”

Cas pulls in a short breath and then a few deep breathes before he can find his voice. “We shouldn’t be doing this Dean, you’re drunk and this is a bad idea.”

It’s hard to see Dean in the dark closet, but he almost doesn’t need to. Not when Dean leans down and rests their foreheads together before nodding. “Okay,” he says softly his voice stinking with alcohol.

They just stand there for a while.

Cas is still impossibly hard his erection pressed up against Deans but they don’t move. Neither of them want to break this moment.

The sound of the long forgotten party drifting in through the door as their lips brush together in a brief kiss. “Can I stay the night?”

Cas isn’t sure why he hesitates but the idea scares him. The two are already worked up enough and it killed him to stop Dean the first time. And he’s still not sure if they’re ready for this. Part of Cas wants to just agree, to just let whatever is going to happen, happen. Because how long should they wait.

When are they going to be normal again? If they were ever normal in the first place.

Dean must have sensed his hesitating because he continued, “Just to sleep. I swear. I just- I miss you Cas. And I miss that and-”

Cas knows that this kind of thing isn’t Dean’s strong suit so Cas pities him by breaking him off with a nod and then a kiss.

Dean didn’t even argue when Cas asked for the keys.

For some reason that makes him feel all tingly. Dean never lets anyone drive the Impala, but he just slid into the passenger seat like this was a common occurrence.

And when they went bed that night Cas fell asleep in Dean’s arms for once.

 

* * *

 

 

“I feel like I should say something to her,” Cas commented on their first day back.

Meg frowned at him as he pulled books out and shoved them into his locker. “Who the hell are you talking about? Yoga pants?”

Cas matched her frown as he zipped up his bag and closed the locker, “Yes, Lisa.”

“Why the hell would you do something like that?

He looked over to where Lisa was standing by her locker talking to a pretty blond girl. “I just,” Cas frowned, “I don’t know I just feel like I should apologize. I mean I did know the whole time that he and Dean were together so I’m just as-”

“Whoa,” Meg broke in, “Don’t you dare say that you’re a fault. You did nothing wrong Cas.”

Cas frowned, but Meg just continued. “You know, you could just run away with me and leave them all behind Clarence.”

He snorted and shook his head.

“You’re impossible.”

“Hey you can’t blame a girl for trying.”

He doesn’t end up saying anything, but when Lisa looks up at him with a small smile and little wave Cas wonders if he was worried for nothing.

 

* * *

 

 

Everything is going perfect until it’s not.

They get into a fight. There’s a lot of screaming and Cas has hot angry tears rolling down his face when Dean pulls him in for a hug.

Cas wants to push him away. Wants to argue and fight and he _really_ wants to hit something, but instead he allows Dean to pull him in.

“You can come over tomorrow, okay? I’m sorry Cas I didn’t want to fight.”

That’s what this whole shouting match has been about. John Winchester.

It started out innocently enough. Cas asked to come over and when Dean hesitated Cas pretty much lost it. And now almost thirty minutes later Dean is trying to reconcile the situation that has always seemed to be their downfall.

But Castiel does end up going to Dean’s.

They’re watching Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom on the dingy living room couch when John finally gets home from work.

Cas can feel every muscle in Dean’s body tense up from his stop under Dean’s arm, his head resting on Dean’s shoulder.

Neither of them move as John walks right past them and into the kitchen. He barely spares them a glance as he walks down the hallway to his room, beer in hand.

“Well then,” Dean breathed a sigh of relief as John’s door shut down the hall.

Cas smiled a little, “It could have gone worse I suppose.”

Sam joins them not long after. When he walks through the door his face is flushed and his hair a mess, but he has a huge smile on his face. Dean jumps on him immediately.

“Have a nice _study date_?”

Sam doesn’t seem able to do much more than smile as he plopped down next to Cas.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Jerk.”

Dean smirked and threw a pillow across Cas and into Sam’s face. “Shut up bitch. When am I going to meet this girl that has you wrapped around her finger?”

“Did you seriously just tell me to shut up and then ask me a question?”

Dean flipped him the bird before they quieted down enough the finish the movie.

It isn’t until almost midnight that John emerges from his room. “It’s time for you to go Cas.”

“Dad are you serious?”

John gave him a pointed look before taking a deep breath, “I never let your girlfriends stay the night and Cas isn’t going to either.” That was all he said before stomping back to his room.

That was definitely a huge surprise.

It turned out to only be surprise number one. 

 

* * *

 

 

There seemed to be an unspoken agreement that everyone would get ready together on prom night. Which is how Cas, Dean, and about a dozen of their friends ended up in their cramped hotel room.

Charlie ended up in charge of the music and sense no one could agree on anything she threw FOB on Pandora and started curling Meg’s hair.

A couple weeks ago the two went and bought matching tuxes. The only difference was their ties. Cas was wearing a green tie and Dean a blue one.

Dean was currently straightening Cas’ while Cas watched as Charlie curled Meg’s dark locks. The two were talking and laughing, sharing smiles in the mirror. It made Cas wonder whether or not the two were really going as ‘just friends’.

“There,” Dean said with a smirk. “You look great,” he whispered as he leaned down to kiss the sensitive skin under Cas’ ear.

“Y’all are sickening,” Benny’s low drawl broke the couple apart.

Dean just flipped him the bird before putting an arm around Cas’ shoulder and pulling him in close. He pulled out his phone with a blush. “Dad wanted a picture,” he explained shyly.

The selfie looked ridiculous.

They were somewhere in the bottom right of the screen, their ties barely making it into the picture as Dean pulled Cas in close enough that you couldn’t tell where one face began and the other ended.

Cas loved it.

Prom itself was fairly uneventful. Their little group snuck Sam and Jess in as soon as they made it down to the main floor.

Everyone danced and Jo even got Crowley in trouble for spiking the punch when it was definitely Ash and it was probably the best night of Cas’ life.

He and Dean went back to their room early that night. It was then, when Cas was covered in nothing but Dean and the moonlight that he allowed himself to finally say those three scary words.

“I love you.”

It felt like freedom.


End file.
